Man on plot 13 (on mobile) I’m telling you woman, I am on the allotment! I am! Please stop shouting. I am not shouting. (shouts) I am NOT SHOUTING! I am calm and I am on the allotment. Goodbye
Jake Even I think that’s a bit over the top. And that hole he’s digging is deep you know
Tom Yeah, you’d think he’d duck down in the hole if he’s gonna shout like that
Jake Bit difficult when you’re being accused of stuff and who brings their mobile to the allotment anyway?
(sound of a mobile phone in the distance - it’s the Hare Krishna chant)
Tom Jake, phone!
Jake How do you know it’s mine?
Tom You are the only person I know who would have that for a ring tone
Jake Fair cop
Tom Better answer it eh?
Jake Of course. Where the hell is it?
Tom Posibly in your bag
Jake (running) Why did I leave it over there, (breathless) it is a mobile after all
Natalie Hello, my lovely, why are you out of breath, don’t answer that. Just off to swimming, got your keys?
Jake Hang on (sounds of searching through clothes) Hang on, must be in my bag (zips opening & rummaging) Hang on, I know they’re in here somewhere-
Tom (sound of keys being jingled) Let me talk to her. Hello Nat, Tom here, just found ‘em
Natalie Thanks Tom. What would he do without us?
Jake (snatches phone back) Got ‘em!
Natalie See you in a while then. If you get back before us give the chickens some water please
Jake Okey doke
Natalie Oh and vacuum-
Jake What? Vacuum the chickens?
Natalie No, the house you joker boy. Ooh yes and start the dinner-
Jake Fine - not chicken I presume?
Natalie Don’t be ridiculous. And just for that stupid, you can take the bins out-
Jake Uh huh-
Natalie And clean the kid’s shoes-
Natalie -and mine
Jake The swimming pool water is evaporating hadn’t you better go?
(sound of raking and 5live. Sound of swirling wind a la the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz)
Mrs Thingy Hello!
Mrs Thingy (louder) I was wondering if I could have a word
(still more 5live...)
Mrs Thingy (shouting) Could I have a word Mr-
Jake (taking out ear phones) Ah! Sorry! Listening to the radio. Ear phones you see?
Mrs Thingy Yes, I see. I was wondering if, as you seem to be struggling with the size of this plot-
Jake (put out) Pardon?
Mrs Thingy We have sent you several letters
Jake (getting defensive) We’ve had one I think. And what is your name again, I have never quite made it out
Mrs Thingy Mrs- (motor bike passes loudly by)
Mrs Thingy Mrs- (low flying jet) If you are struggling we could rent off half to someone else you know
Jake I’m not struggling, I’m taking my time to prepare the soil.
Mrs Thingy You have had this plot for nearly 3 years
Jake I had an accident last January and I couldn’t dig for most of the year-
Mrs Thingy We like to see all of the plot used Mr-
Jake Well, this year it will all be dug over and about 80% will be used. But-
Mrs Thingy 80% isn’t 100%
Jake (to himself) Good with figures. (to her) I’m sorryI have told you this many times and do you actually know anything about soil? When it’s been unused like this plot has been, it takes a while to-
Mrs Thingy Yes, well it was just a thought Mr-
Jake Actually while you’re here I’d like to ask a question about erecting a-
(sound of swirling wind again)
Jake -shed. Where’d she go? How does she do that? (shudders)
Jack What did she want?
Jake (jumps with surprise) Oh my God, don’t do that! What did who want?
Jill Her from the council
Jake Oh her, witch
Jack Bit harsh
Jake She- What is her name by the way?
Jill Mrs (loud lorry passes)
Jack Mrs (low flying helicopter)
Jake (to himself) I’m not meant to know her name. She’s my nemesis, I shall die not knowing her name (to Jack & Jill) She said I’m not using enough of the plot
Jack They don’t know anything about using an allotment these people, they’re just pen pushers
Jake I tried to explain about the soil
Jill It’s the same with erecting sheds over here
Jack No one can give us a definitive reason
Jake That has given me the incentive to find out then
Jack Good luck!
(fade in sound of typing on a computer keyboard)
Jake (speaks as he types) I-would-really-appreciate-the-definitive-reason-for-not being-able-to-erect-buildings-on-the-Trugmore-Lane-site. (exhales) These-things-can-be-done-sensitively-in-a-way-that-blends-into the-surroundings. (typing stops) OK Mrs thingy, admin at Grint town council. Let’s see what you say to that! (typing starts again) I-look-forward-to-your-soonest-reply. (stops typing) Bosh (hits keyboard hard) off you go!
(door slams in distance)
Natalie (from distance) Hello! Are you in?
Jake (shouts) Up in the office!
Natalie (from distance) Did you do all your chores!
Jake Yes I did! Did you have a good swim?
Natalie Lovely thank you!
India (standing behind Jake) There was a floater!
Jake Oh! You made me jump!
India There was a floater
Jake A floater? You mean a float don’t you?
India No, it was a pooh
Natalie Actually it was a Lion bar
Jake (laughs) Little devils
India Not a Lion bar! A pooh!
Natalie OK, it was a pooh
India India is a girl’s name
Jake Well, it can be for a boy or a girl-
Starchild (into mobile) Yes, I’m back. Oh it was OK, some joker put a Lion bar in the pool. Yeah, it was soooooo lame
Jake How much have you got left on that phone?
Starchild (to phone) Hang on. (to Jake) I don’t know. (to phone) Yeah, my dad. Yeah-
Jake Don’t say lame. If you say lame-
Natalie We’ll talk about your tally late Star. I’ll run you a bath
Starchild OK mum. Yeah (fading as she leaves the room) you can’t choose your parents can you?
(door slams shut)
India I blame the parents (emphasis on “blame”)
(fade into raking)
Jake (stops raking. Says slowly) Com-post
India (mimics Jake) Pom-cost. Can I dig it?
Jake (sings) Yes you can!
Skippy (arriving) Kids over then?
Skippy What you doing there then?
Jake (sighs) Taking advantage of this mild weather and raking the lumps out. (to himself) Wait for it (mimics Skippy) You don’t wanna do it like that
Skippy (tuts & then blows out) Bit early for all that, bit of a waste of time, you’ll only have to do it again
Jake I don’t mind
Skippy S’pose. It’s not like you have anything else to do
Jake (sighs again) Indeed
Skippy I had most of them raspberries last year
Jake (surprised) Oh, it was you was it?
Skippy Yeah, like say, no one was around, so I took ‘em
Jake (sarcastically) Were they nice?
Skippy Yeah, lovely. Got about 12 pots of jam
Jake That’s good then, but didn’t you notice that the potatoes were being dug up while you were taking the raspberries?
Jake But you still took the raspberries off someone else’s plot
Skippy That carpet
Skippy Council say you can’t use carpet on the site
Jake (slightly perturbed) OK. Don’t change the subject
Skippy You grew sunflowers last year didn’t you?
Jake (getting irritated) Yes
Skippy Attract rats
Jake (deep breath) So does most of what we grow. Can’t be helped
Skippy And sweetcorn, that attracts rats
Jake Hang on a minute! You’ve got carpet!
Skippy They climb up the back of the sunflowers and get to the seeds from behind
Jake Stop changing the subject. This year, please leave the raspberries where they are or until I have taken what I want at the very least
Skippy (walking away) Got me own now anyway
Jack (approaching) Take it from me, he’s just being-
Jill -his usual self
Jake I just wish he’d be himself elsewhere
Jack Pain isn’t he
Jake I tend to think so
Jill We have some seeds from last year-
Jill -and stuff. You could have some if you like
Jake Ta very much, you are very kind, one day I will return the favour
Jill Don’t be silly
Jack Yes, we have plenty
Jill Our seed is your seed
Jack Seeds R Us
Jake Can I ask a personal question?
Jack & Jill (together) Yes of course
Jake Do you ever go home?
Felicity (approaching) Couldn’t help over hearing your earlier conversation re: carpet, etc
Jack & Jill (together) We’ll be off then.
Jack Let’s go ask Plot 13 why he’s digging such a deep hole
Jill Yes let’s
Felicity Don’t go on my account. Anyway, you shouldn’t really have the carpet, nor grow sweetcorn or sunflowers as our friend says
Jake He’s no friend of mine! Had any new applications recently?
Felicity Funny you should say that
Jake (feigning surprise) Oh really?
India (from distance) Daddy! Daddy! Come quickly!
Felicity Oh I say
Jake What is that?
Jake Whatever it is you just so happen to be covered in it
Felicity Oh dear. I will just add one more thing my dear
Starchild (to mobile) Well, yeah, I like to come over here (pause) Vegetables, we grow vegetables (pause) Waitrose? Grow your own, that’s the thing (pause) My dad, it’s the one thing he does do (pause) Yeah, loads of stuff. Me? I weed and stuff- Oh gross, my little bro is covered in shit!
Jake (to India) We’ll have to get you home young fella. (to Star) It’s not shit, it’s compost. And very fine compost too!
India Pom-cost is good, it’s got worms
Felicity Yes dear, lots of worms. Back to the rats
Starchild Oh it’s one of his weird friends.
Felicity I’m not his friend
Jake Sorry, got to get the litt’lun home Felicity. and end that phone call Star please
Starchild Gotta go, small person emergency
Felicity (raising voice as Jake, Star and India leave) Anyway, I had two more
applicants, Dawn Mower and Tony Trimmer, plot seven-ty three- Oh, you have plot 73
Skippy That’d be Dawn Mower asin rhymns with lawn mower and Tony Rimmer- T Rimmer, trimmer
Felicity Well, it’s just not fair