Tom Someone look to see what’s happening
Jake You do it
Tom Why me?
Jake This was your idea
Felicity (whispers) I’ll look (pause) Oh they’re looking straight at me
Jake (hisses) Get down
Felicity They can’t see me, too dark
Jack What are they doing?
(sound of engine starting up)
Felicity They kissed
Jack Male and female I hope
Jake (shocked) Two men?
Jake (incredulous) Two women?
Felicity I think so
Tom How could you tell?
Felicity Light on in car. (obviously stunned) I say, never seen THAT before
Jake This whole thing is getting more and more ridiculous as time goes on
Jack (sniggers) Hole thing! Get it, hole-thing
Jill Clever wordplay dear
Tom Come on this is it, over the top!
Felicity Take a spade each boys. Jill and I will stand guard, we can’t all fit on the bean patch
(fade. Sound of digging, obviously multiple digging)
Jake How will we know how deep to go?
Tom It was about 2 foot
Jake (stops digging) Two foot!
Jake But two foot. A bean trench is usually 9 or 12 inches
(sounds of digging again)
Jake We have to be careful with these plants remember
Tom Why, there’s a body here, it won’t matter
Jake There isn’t a body here
Jack You two be quiet
Jake & Jack What?
Tom Torch please
Jake Careful with that (torch clicks on) Paper, peelings, classic bean trench
Jake Oh give me strength, If we stop now, we can save the bean plants we’ve dug up and it won’t look too bad tomorrow morning
(fade. Fade in digging again)
Tom Oops. I think we boobed.
Jake You boobed
Tom You’re here too!
Jack Calm down
Felicity What is it?
Jake Guess what?
Jake Nothing but bean plants, paper, veggie peelings and compost
Felicity Oh dear
Jake Oh dear indeed. We’ve got to get this bed back to something like
Jack Something Like?
Jake Something like it was
Tom But the bean plants are pretty much all destroyed
Jake Felicity, Jill, go get about 40 bean plants from our plots
Jack But we don’t know what kind of beans he was growing
Jake So we just leave the poor sod with nothing but a decimated bean patch then eh?
Jill We’re off. Oh Jake
Jake (blows out) Yes
Jill Where exactly are your beans?
(fade. Fade up to sound of door shutting)
Natalie (waking) Jake? What time is it?
Jake Don’t ask
Natalie Jake, it’s nearly four o’clock. What the hell have you been doing?
Jake Oh, please, can we go to bed?
Natalie Not like that, you’re filthy, go have a shower
(fade. Fade up Jake getting into bed)
Natalie Tell me what happened
Jake (heavy sigh) Can’t it wait ‘til the morning?
Jake Well, I tried digging up the bean patch carefully and the others just dragged out the plants and ruined them.
Natalie So when you found no body buried there, you had to replace his plants
Jake (sighs again) You watched us didn’t you
Natalie I think I might have better things to do with my life, my love. Do you think he’ll know what you’ve done?
Jake I can’t even imagine what it looks like. Put it this way, if he doesn’t notice it would be like Shelock Holmes saying to Watson at the Baskervilles place, “That poodle, do you think it’s responsible for the killings?”
(fade. Fade in frantic knocking on a door)
Natalie Ok, ok, I’m coming (door opens) Hello Tom, what’s up, the hound been at it again?
Natalie Sorry, private joke
Tom Is Jake around?
Natalie No, it’s signing on day. Has Plot 13 discovered his beans?
Tom (embarassed) He told you?
Natalie Of course
Tom No, thing is, we replaced his runner beans with broad beans, french beans, haricot beans and every bloody bean but the right ones
Natalie Well, just ignore it. He’s not going to complain is he?
Tom It’s just ridiculous isn’t it?
Natalie But the only sensible thing- Ha! Sensible, did I just say sensible? Anyway, the only sensible thing to do is ignore it. Actually it might be quite funny to watch his reaction
(fade. Fade up sound of raking)
Felicity Afternoon Jake
Jake Hello. Hello you two
Jack & Jill Hi!
Tom (bringing up the rear, miserable) Hello
Felicity Has he said anything?
Jake He keeps scratching his head, looking round kind of bemused
Tom Course he is
Jack Oh look, Skippy is talking to him
Felicity He’s looking at us, quick get on with stuff
Felicity Just look busy
Jake Oh yeah, everyone do stuff on my plot eh? That’s not dodgy is it?
(fade. Fade in Skippy walking up to the others)
Skippy Ron says his bean patch has been vandalised
Skippy Yes- Actually why are you all on his plot? You having a dig in?
Jake What? How do you know his name is Ron?
Skippy Used to work with him. He was made redundant last year and-
Jill What did he say about the vandalism?
Skippy Not much, he just said it was weird ‘cos his beans have been replaced with different types of beans.
Jake That’s a bit weird
Tom Peculiar and- Oh look, there’s his wife chaps...