The initial idea for this was a series of six 30 minute episodes, but the Beeb weren't interested. I think they are intent on employing known writers at the moment. Anyway, not sure if this is going to work, but I have rewritten it as a 45 minute play and am going to post it here in about 10 parts so it's not too hard to read.
The premise is that there is an allotment site in a small market town called Grint, somewhere in the Herts/Bucks area. The main character, Jake, is an unemployed 50-something with a young family and a healthily cynical approach to life. There is an Allotment Society at Trugmore Lane Allotments, full of basically well meaning but irritating individuals that Jake just about tolerates.
Felicity is the irritating chair of the society; Jack & Jill are an oddly enthusiastic(?) couple who are joined at the hip; Skippy is Jake's nemesis and the biggest wind-up on the allotments and Tom is the only one Jake can stomach.
Jake is forever fighting a dog, ironically called Jake, and it's owner, rowing over the antics of her dog. There is also a mysterious woman from the council who is haunting Jake about how he hasn't "utilised" his plot to it's full potential.
There is another unemployed 50-something man on plot 13 who is constantly arguing with his wife and is digging a very deep hole on his plot. The members slowly all come to the conclusion that the hole is for the man's dead wife.
Jake's family, wife Natalie, 12 year old daughter Starchild and 4 year son India, are as quirky as Jake and are the source of many a laugh.
OK, so here we go, as I say, not sure if it'll work. Here's the first part:
Mid-Summer Murder Mystery
The Man on Plot 13 (angrily) I told you; I-told-you, I have been over here since early this morning woman
His wife (obviously upset) But-
Man 13 No buts
Wife I know you’ve been in that pub
Man 13 Chance’d be a fine thing
Wife What does that mean?
Tom At it again, look at them
Jake What?
Tom Him on plot 13, having a go at his missus
Jake For all you know, it’s the other way round and, what’s it to you anyway, you sound like the tittle-tattle brigade
Tom (mock hurt) How dare you
Jake Well, really, what is it to us? So they argue a bit, so what?
Tom S’pose so, but they do do it a lot and over here too. Don’t you think it’s a bit dumb, bringing their dirty laundry over to an allotment for all and sundry to over hear?
Jake (sighs) OK, you don’t have to listen do you? Perhaps it’s the only time they get to see each other. Perhaps he’s a busy banker in the city and she’s a Dragon’s Den dragon
Tom You reckon?
Jake (heavy sigh) Oh stop it!
Man 13 If I want to go to the pub, and I don’t, but if I did, I would do it
Wife (bursts into tears) There you go again. I’m going home
Sounds of digging fades in as Jake is working on his allotment.
He is listening to music on his MP3 player, and he sings along to “Going Underground” by the Jam.
Sounds of children playing fades in
Starchild (older female child, about 11/12) India! India, put that down. Dad? (shouts) JAKE!
Jake (still singing) Going underground-
Starchild (shouts & pulls out her father’s earphones) DAD!
Jake Ouch! Bloody hell, that was my ear. This better be good Star-
Starchild Look at India
Jake What? Where? OH! Oh, no, India put the scythe down son
India (from the distance) I am a knight of the realm, swish, off with your head!
Jake Put it down, be careful, you just may do that very thing
India Oh look, I’m Captain Hook, ha haaaaarrrrrr! I’ll get you Peter Pan
Skippy (voice fades in as Jake realises he is being spoken to)
You sure you’re doing that right?
Jake (sighs heavily) Sorry?
Skippy You wanna take the fork out a bit more straighter
Jake What? A bit more what? Look, I’m a bit busy trying to stop my 4 year old son severing something
Skippy The fork should go straight down, then straight back up again, then break up the sods
Jake Err, can I just (sighs heavily)
Skippy (oblivious) It helps your back if you do it like that
Jake India! Please, do not wave that thing round your head
Skippy (seemingly oblivious of the situation) You see, I know you have a bad back
Jake (sighs again) What were you saying about my fork?
Skippy No, I said you want to be a bit straighter with your penetration
Jake There really is no answer to that. India please put it down
Skippy (again oblivious to Jake’s comment) Yeah, you see if you put the fork, or spade, in at an angle of 90 degrees, it’s easier on the old back
Jake Thanks invaluable information as usual (under breath) Over here son, swing in this direction (quietly) at his shins
Skippy I suppose you want to know what I’ve got today
Jake (mutters to himself) No, not really
(Louder) Didn’t notice anything mate. Oh my (India is shouting something
indecipherable) India drop that NOW!
Skippy (triumphantly) Only a batch of perspex
Jake Look, I really haven’t got time at the moment
Starchild Look out dad
Jake & Starchild (together) Whoa!
Jake OK Star, ok, you go left, I’ll go right
Skippy (surreptitiously) Guess where I got it from?
Jake (disinterested) Not now, please
Skippy Yep, a skip. You’ll never guess where?
Jake (annoyed) Look! Will you give me a bit of space mate, can't you see what's going on here
Skippy What? No, listen, got it from a skip outside the back of Tesco!
Jake India. Ok son, that’s it give me the scythe
India (incredulous) It’s a sword. Say give me the sword, please
Skippy (Walking away) Yeah, that’s the way, never pay for nothin’ me
Jake Give me the sword.
India Say please
Starchild Just give the sword to dad India
Jake Please, India, give me the sword.
Skippy (moving away) What a strange family
India Good boy. Here you go. You be careful with that sword daddy, it could be very dangerous in the wrong hands
Jake (to Star) It could be, couldn’t it? Like used in the direction of him on the next plot eh?
Starchild You could claim death by misadventure
Jake Or diminished responsibility. I mean, how he could he just keep on about his bloody skip raid while all that was happening?
