I've jumped to the last two parts as I think it's gonna take too long to get there!
So here we go...
Natalie So, let me hear this again. You’re going to dig up plot 13 ‘cos the Trugmore Lane Allotment Society think there’s a body under the beans?
Natalie Why you?
Jake Because (pause) They claim they haven’t seen his wife in days, Jill says weeks actually. And he has not been shouting at her on his phone too
Natalie That, doesn’t answer, why you?
Jake I don’t know. Just to stop them going on and on at me
Natalie That, is no excuse. It’s bloody madness, going out after midnight, blacked up wearing a freaking balaclava. You look like the Milk Tray man for pity’s sake
Jake Do I?
Natalie Stop it!
Jake Look I know it’s ridiculous, but we’ll get it done in no time with five of us
Natalie (exasperated) You shouldn’t even be contemplating it, let alone actually be on the verge of doing it
Jake Gotta go. Be back soon, shan’t kiss you, you’ll get covered in camouflage
Natalie (as door shuts quietly) 30 years, 30 bloody of years of this, I deserve time off for good behaviour
(we hear Jake walking slowly along the road. A car goes passed)
Jake Shit! Phew, why am I doing this again? Natalie is right, this is so stupid as to be beyond stupid. More stupid than the most stupid man in Stupidland
Tom Hey! How you doing Milk Tray man
Jake (obviously scared out of his mind) Sweet Jeepers Creepers, you trying to kill me? Don’t do that!
Tom Oops, a bit jumpy
Jake No! (pause) Yeah, look I’m going home, this is so dumb. I have no idea why I agreed to do this
Tom Because you are community minded and it’s-
Tom (changing subject & sounds enthusiastic) Hey there Jack, Jill!
Jill Exciting isn’t it?
Tom Ignore him
Jack Come on, Felicity will be waiting
Jill It’s like being in a film
Jack The Magnificent Seven
Jake (irritated) There’s only five of us
Jill No, Ocean’s 12
Jake (louder) There’s only five of us
Tom Shhhhhhh, we need to be quiet, ruthless, straight in, dig, check out the hole, fill it in, sraight out again. Simple!
Jack Five in a Hole (Jack & Jill laugh)
Jake At least you got the number right this time, but there’s no such film or book even
Tom Look, there’s Felicity, very fecthing in her camouflage gear
Jake Not too late to turn back
Felicity (whispering) Is this where we synchronise watches
Jake What for? We’re going over there together
Felicity Of course, silly me. This feels like a film or a Secret Seven adventure
Jake Enid Blyton again. There’s only five of us Felicity
Felicity (laughs nervously) Yes, silly me
Jill Did you leave the spades where we agreed Tom?
Jake Too loud
Tom Sorry, but there’s not gonna be anyone around, not in this town at this time and when was the last time you saw a cop car round here?
Jake Now, duck
(sound of a car driving passed slowly)
Felicity Oh my
Tom & Jake Shh...
Jill (giggles) Exciting
Tom Praise be to the council and this hedge
Jack What if they stop; what do we say?
Jill Trick or treat?