(Fade. Fade in door shutting)
Jake (mock American) Hi honey! I’m home! (takes gardening clothes off and runs water to wash hands)
Natalie (from distance) Did you get it finished?
Jake (washing hands) Yes nearly. One more smallish area to dig and we’ll be in business for starting planting up in a few weeks
Natalie (closer) Good. You’ve got a letter from EC2
Jake Ah! A job offer no doubt
Natalie Yes. 50 grand, plus car and a 3 day working week
Jake Give us a kiss
Natalie Do I have to?
Jake (opening letter) Please yourself (reads, sighs) Listen to this, “Dear Mr Blah, Thank you for applying for the above job role. As I’m sure you can
appreciate, we had many applicants for this role, indeed over 60 applied. Of those, 15 have been added to our short list” - short list? 15? - “You were very nearly one of those successful applicants, but I’m afraid you have not been so as those who have been added are more so.”
If I ever get another job I shall write to this - Mrs Drivel - and ask her to explain what the naffing hell that means and tell her to shove her letter and the role- Listen to this, “However, you will no doubt be pleased to note that we have indeed kept your CV and contact details on file for future reference should a suitable other role be suitably made available.”
Natalie Sounds like you’re well out of that one. At least you got a reply though?
Jake I guess. These HR people could at least learn how to construct a
sentence that actually makes sense. “However, you will no doubt be pleased to note...” I mean, what is there to be pleased about for-
India Daddy, daddy, daddy!
Jake Hello little fella. Had a good afternoon at Play Group?
India Yes. One of the other boys got a snail stuck up his nose
Jake A snail? Stuck up his nose?
Natalie A little one
India Yes, a little one. He pushed it up there and then tried to blow it out
Natalie But sniffed instead
India By mistake, it was an astident
Starchild (walking into the kitchen) No never! I could have sworn it would have like been the other one (opens fridge door) You know, the one with the pierced
nipple (pours a drink) Yes she has! She did it with a needle she found in her mum’s like drawer or something (shuts fridge door) It went septic- Oh, hi dad!
Jake Please, don’t distract yourself
Starchild (walking away) Whatever! Yes it did, and her breast went like totally
Natalie Kids today eh? We’d have been content with talking about Scooby Doo, skipping or David Cassidy, but today’s kids-
Jake Septic nipples - sounds like a punk band - and purple tits
India I blame the parents
(fade in newspaper page being turned and the sound of food being served up)
Jake (shouts) Starchild! Star!
Starchild (from distance, irritated) Yeah what?
Starchild OK, coming!
Jake Yeah what? I mean, yeah what?
India It’s bad isn’t it daddy? It’s not like she isn’t intellicant
Jake How old is our son again?
Natalie Four. He’s four
Jake Are you sure you didn’t carry him for 12 years in there, while reading the entire Oxford English?
Natalie He’s just a tad more intelligent than most kids of his age
Jake A tad? (shouts) Starchild will you get-
Starchild No need to shout, I’m here
Jake Oh sorry
Starchild (on mobile) Yeah, that was my dad. Yeah, like lame
Jake Lame? Lame? Anyway a tad more intelligent? He’s reading the Guardian, and understanding it!
Starchild Like no way!
Jake Who is that?
Jake (takes Star’s phone) Hello Diphthong, Starchild’s lame dad here, she’s
eating, with her family. She’ll like call you after. Like bye!
Starchild How could you? And her name’s Doopnah, how difficult is that? And that was kind of racist too, getting her name wrong
Starchild Anyway, that’s private property. That’s my property
Jake That we like bought for you and, oh yes, we top-up every other day it seems like, like! And sorry if I got your friend's name wrong, like
India Daddy, I think mummy is about to explode
Jake She’s ommmmmming
Starchild I mean, well, it’s just so-
Jake Unfair? Life will do that to you quite frequently Starchild
Starchild And why did you name me that anyway?
Jake You know I did, it’s in deference to better times, when life was that much easier and-
Starchild It’s just so-
Starchild Can I eat in my room?
Natalie Noooooooo... Ommmmmmmmmm
India This family is officially discombobulated
Starchild It’s so unfair
Jake India, do you mean dysfunctional?
Jake -you’re probably correct. Not eating love?
India No I mean discombobulated. It means-
Starchild I mean I was like speaking to Doopnah, her name is Doopnah, not Diphthong
India This song? What song?
Starchild Doopnah! Doopnah!
Jake Stick it up your jumper. Look, I have apologised
India And who called me India, Frankie Junior says India is a girl's name
Natalie Can we all make the effort to eat quietly? PLEASE?
Jake I named you son. I love India, the place and I love you.
(silence for a while) Silence is golden, but my eyes still see. What do you think that means exactly? But my eyes still see?
Starchild More rubbish lyrics from the lame 1960s
Jake Well, like, Ella, ella, ella, ella
Starchild You always do that
Jake Ella, schmella.
Natalie They don’t write them like they used to? Jake, after 30 years together I’m still not sure about your sanity you know
Starchild Yeah, squeeze my lemon ‘til the juice runs down my leg
Jake Class lyric from a man at the height of his powers, magnificent Robert Plant
Natalie Ya think?
India It says in the Guardian that David Cameron has had an arsehole
transplant. I didn’t know you could do that. (pause)
Natalie (reading over India’s shoulder) Hang on- Ah, the arsehole rejected him!
(fade in walking and the occasional car driving passed at speed)
Jake 30! 30 miles an hour you moron!
(dog barks in the distance)
Jake And you can shut up too! Oh here we go, the devil incarnate-
(dog right behind Jake, loud snarls & growls)
Woman owner Jake! Jake! Stop that!
Jake Stop what? Your dog is humping me!
Owner What are you talking about?
Jake Your dog is having sex with my right leg. Get him off please
Owner Jake! Stop it!
Jake (exasperated) I’m not doing anything. Ouch!
Owner You just kicked him
Jake He’s having carnal knowledge of my leg AND he just bit me, hard-
Owner Jake, come here. You wait ‘til I get you home!
Jake Why would I want to come home with you?
Owner The dog not you, what are you on about? Jake heel boy, heel!
Jake (incredulous) Heel? Heel boy? (clicking sound) Oh, the dog’s called Jake!
Jake (laughs) You see, I’m Jake too (laughs)
Owner Ah yes, I know you, you’re one of the busy bodies from the allotment aren’t you?
Jake (taken aback) Guilty as charged , I do have an allotment. Don’t know about being a busy body
Owner Well, I’m warning you anyway. We’ll walk our dogs on the common land whenever we want
Jake Fine, if you stick to the common land, just stop your animals from
defecating and urinating on our vegetables
Owner Well, if you want to know, we’ve every right to go on the common land.
Jake (to himself) Am I not agreeing with her? (to the owner) Yes, I know that. It’s just that when your dog goes on the allotments, quite literally, goes on, that’s when it becomes a problem.
Owner We pick it up
Jake Not the point really. Dogs pee as well as poo and you can’t really do
anything about the pee. It’s unsanitary
Tom (joining them) Ah, hello, couldn’t help but over hear the word sanitary. There is a clause in our constitution-
Owner A sanitary clause?
Jake & Tom (together) There’s no such thing as a Sanitary Clause!