Thursday, 10 March 2011

Mis-Summer Murder Mystery - The End

Quick re-cap, the allotmanteers are waiting to go over to the allotments after midnight and have been stopped in their tracks by a police car...

Tom Someone look to see what’s happening

Jake You do it

Tom Why me?

Jake This was your idea

Felicity (whispers) I’ll look (pause) Oh they’re looking straight at me

Jake (hisses) Get down

Felicity They can’t see me, too dark

Jack What are they doing? 

(sound of engine starting up)

Felicity Oh!

Jill What?

Felicity They kissed

Jack Male and female I hope

Felicity No

Jake (shocked) Two men?

Felicity NO!

Tom Shhhh. 

Jake (incredulous) Two women?

Felicity I think so

Tom How could you tell?

Felicity Light on in car. (obviously stunned) I say, never seen THAT before

Jake This whole thing is getting more and more ridiculous as time goes on

Jack (sniggers) Hole thing! Get it, hole-thing

Jill Clever wordplay dear

Jack Thanks

Tom Come on this is it, over  the top!

Felicity Take a spade each boys. Jill and I will stand guard, we can’t all fit on the bean patch

(fade. Sound of digging, obviously multiple digging)

Jake How will we know how deep to go?

Tom It was about 2 foot

Jake (stops digging) Two foot!

Jack Shh

Jake But two foot. A bean trench is usually 9 or 12 inches

Tom Exactly!

Jack Shh

(sounds of digging again)

Jake We have to be careful with these plants remember

Tom Why, there’s a body here, it won’t matter

Jake There isn’t a body here

Jack You two be quiet

Tom Aha!

Jake & Jack What?

Tom Torch please

Jake Careful with that (torch clicks on) Paper, peelings, classic bean trench

Tom Decoy

Jake Oh give me strength, If we stop now, we can save the bean plants we’ve dug up and it won’t look too bad tomorrow morning

(fade. Fade in digging again)

Tom Oops. I think we boobed.

Jake You boobed

Tom You’re here too!

Jack Calm down

Felicity What is it?

Jake Guess what?

Jill What?

Jake Nothing but bean plants, paper, veggie peelings and compost

Felicity Oh dear

Jake Oh dear indeed. We’ve got to get this bed back to something like

Jack Something Like?

Jake Something like it was

Tom But the bean plants are pretty much all destroyed

Jake Felicity, Jill, go get about 40 bean plants from our plots

Jack But we don’t know what kind of beans he was growing

Jake So we just leave the poor sod with nothing but a decimated bean patch then eh?

Jill We’re off. Oh Jake

Jake (blows out) Yes

Jill Where exactly are your beans?

(fade. Fade up to sound of door shutting)

Natalie (waking) Jake? What time is it?

Jake Don’t ask

Natalie Jake, it’s nearly four o’clock. What the hell have you been doing?

Jake Oh, please, can we go to bed?

Natalie Not like that, you’re filthy, go have a shower

(fade. Fade up Jake getting into bed)

Natalie Tell me what happened

Jake (heavy sigh) Can’t it wait ‘til the morning?

Natalie No

Jake Well, I tried digging up the bean patch carefully and the others just dragged out the plants and ruined them.

Natalie So when you found no body buried there, you had to replace his plants

Jake (sighs again) You watched us didn’t you

Natalie I think I might have better things to do with my life, my love. Do you think he’ll know what you’ve done?

Jake I can’t even imagine what it looks like. Put it this way, if he doesn’t notice it would be like Shelock Holmes saying to Watson at the Baskervilles place, “That poodle, do you think it’s responsible for the killings?” 

(fade. Fade in frantic knocking on a door)

Natalie Ok, ok, I’m coming (door opens) Hello Tom, what’s up, the hound been at it again?

Tom What?

Natalie Sorry, private joke

Tom Is Jake around?

Natalie No, it’s signing on day. Has Plot 13 discovered his beans?

Tom (embarassed) He told you?

Natalie Of course

Tom No, thing is, we replaced his runner beans with broad beans, french beans, haricot beans and every bloody bean but the right ones

Natalie Well, just ignore it. He’s not going to complain is he?

Tom It’s just ridiculous isn’t it?

Natalie But the only sensible thing- Ha! Sensible, did I just say sensible? Anyway, the only sensible thing to do is ignore it. Actually it might be quite funny to watch his reaction

(fade. Fade up sound of raking)

Felicity Afternoon Jake

Jake Hello. Hello you two

Jack & Jill Hi!

Tom (bringing up the rear, miserable) Hello

Felicity Has he said anything?

Jake He keeps scratching his head, looking round kind of bemused

Tom Course he is

Jack Oh look, Skippy is talking to him

Felicity He’s looking at us, quick get on with stuff

Jake Stuff?

Felicity Just look busy

Jake Oh yeah, everyone do stuff on my plot eh? That’s not dodgy is it?

(fade. Fade in Skippy walking up to the others)

Skippy Ron says his bean patch has been vandalised

Felicity No!

Skippy Yes- Actually why are you all on his plot? You having a dig in?

Jake What? How do you know his name is Ron?

Skippy Used to work with him. He was made redundant last year and-

Jill What did he say about the vandalism?

Skippy Not much, he just said it was weird ‘cos his beans have been replaced with different types of beans.

Jake That’s a bit weird

Felicity Yes

Jack Totally

Tom Peculiar and- Oh look, there’s his wife chaps...