Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Mid-Summer Murder Mystery par de quatre

Quite a long part today. The man on plot 13 re-appears, Mrs Thingy from the council makes a mysterious appearance, Skippy irritates some more and Felicity gets duped again...

Man on plot 13 (on mobile) I’m telling you woman, I am on the allotment! I am! Please stop shouting. I am not shouting. (shouts) I am NOT SHOUTING! I am calm and I am on the allotment. Goodbye

Jake Even I think that’s a bit over the top. And that hole he’s digging is deep you know

Tom Yeah, you’d think he’d duck down in the hole if he’s gonna shout like that

Jake Bit difficult when you’re being accused of stuff and who brings their mobile to the allotment anyway?

(sound of a mobile phone in the distance - it’s the Hare Krishna chant)

Tom Jake, phone!

Jake How do you know it’s mine?

Tom You are the only person I know who would have that for a ring tone 

Jake Fair cop

Tom Better answer it eh?

Jake Of course. Where the hell is it?

Tom Posibly in your bag

Jake (running) Why did I leave it over there, (breathless) it is a mobile after all

Natalie Hello, my lovely, why are you out of breath, don’t answer that. Just off to swimming, got your keys?

Jake Hang on (sounds of searching through clothes) Hang on, must be in my bag (zips opening & rummaging) Hang on, I know they’re in here somewhere-

Tom (sound of keys being jingled) Let me talk to her. Hello Nat, Tom here, just found ‘em

Natalie Thanks Tom. What would he do without us?

Jake (snatches phone back) Got ‘em!

Natalie See you in a while then. If you get back before us give the chickens some water please

Jake Okey doke

Natalie Oh and vacuum-

Jake What? Vacuum the chickens?

Natalie No, the house you joker boy. Ooh yes and start the dinner-

Jake Fine - not chicken I presume?

Natalie Don’t be ridiculous. And just for that stupid, you can take the bins out-

Jake Uh huh-

Natalie And clean the kid’s shoes-

Jake Alright

Natalie -and mine

Jake The swimming pool water is evaporating hadn’t you better go?

Natalie Bye-eee

(sound of raking and 5live. Sound of swirling wind a la the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz)

Mrs Thingy Hello!

(more 5live...)

Mrs Thingy (louder) I was wondering if I could have a word

(still more 5live...)

Mrs Thingy (shouting) Could I have a word Mr-

Jake (taking out ear phones) Ah! Sorry! Listening to the radio. Ear phones you see?

Mrs Thingy Yes, I see. I was wondering if, as you seem to be struggling with the size of this plot-

Jake (put out) Pardon?

Mrs Thingy We have sent you several letters

Jake (getting defensive) We’ve had one I think. And what is your name again, I have never quite made it out

Mrs Thingy Mrs- (motor bike passes loudly by)

Jake Pardon?

Mrs Thingy Mrs- (low flying jet) If you are struggling we could rent off half to someone else you know

Jake I’m not struggling, I’m taking my time to prepare the soil. 

Mrs Thingy You have had this plot for nearly 3 years

Jake I had an accident last January and I couldn’t dig for most of the year-

Mrs Thingy We like to see all of the plot used Mr-

Jake Well, this year it will all be dug over and about 80% will be used. But-

Mrs Thingy 80% isn’t 100%

Jake (to himself) Good with figures. (to her) I’m sorryI have told you this many times and do you actually know anything about soil? When it’s been unused like this plot has been, it takes a while to-

Mrs Thingy Yes, well it was just a thought Mr-

Jake Actually while you’re here I’d like to ask a question about erecting a-

(sound of swirling wind again)

Jake -shed. Where’d she go? How does she do that? (shudders)

Jack What did she want?

Jake (jumps with surprise) Oh my God, don’t do that! What did who want?

Jill Her from the council

Jake Oh her, witch

Jack Bit harsh

Jake She- What is her name by the way?

Jill Mrs (loud lorry passes)

Jake What?

Jack Mrs (low flying helicopter)

Jake (to himself) I’m not meant to know her name. She’s my nemesis, I shall die not knowing her name (to Jack & Jill) She said I’m not using enough of the plot

Jack They don’t know anything about using an allotment these people, they’re just pen pushers

Jake I tried to explain about the soil

Jill It’s the same with erecting sheds over here

Jack No one can give us a definitive reason

Jake That has given me the incentive to find out then

Jack Good luck!

(fade in sound of typing on a computer keyboard)

Jake (speaks as he types) I-would-really-appreciate-the-definitive-reason-for-not being-able-to-erect-buildings-on-the-Trugmore-Lane-site. (exhales) These-things-can-be-done-sensitively-in-a-way-that-blends-into the-surroundings. (typing stops) OK Mrs thingy, admin at Grint town council. Let’s see what you say to that! (typing starts again) I-look-forward-to-your-soonest-reply. (stops typing) Bosh (hits keyboard hard) off you go!

(door slams in distance)

Natalie (from distance) Hello! Are you in?

Jake (shouts) Up in the office!

Natalie (from distance) Did you do all your chores!

Jake Yes I did! Did you have a good swim?

Natalie Lovely thank you!

India (standing behind Jake) There was a floater!

Jake Oh! You made me jump!

India There was a floater

Jake A floater? You mean a float don’t you?

India No, it was a pooh

Natalie Actually it was a Lion bar

Jake (laughs) Little devils

India Not a Lion bar! A pooh!

Natalie OK, it was a pooh

India India is a girl’s name

Jake Well, it can be for a boy or a girl-

Starchild (into mobile) Yes, I’m back. Oh it was OK, some joker put a Lion bar in the pool. Yeah, it was soooooo lame

Jake How much have you got left on that phone?

Starchild (to phone) Hang on. (to Jake) I don’t know. (to phone) Yeah, my dad. Yeah-

Jake Don’t say lame. If you say lame-

Natalie We’ll talk about your tally late Star. I’ll run you a bath

Starchild OK mum. Yeah (fading as she leaves the room) you can’t choose your parents can you?

(door slams shut)

India I blame the parents (emphasis on “blame”)

(fade into raking)

India Pomcost!

Jake (stops raking. Says slowly) Com-post

India (mimics Jake) Pom-cost. Can I dig it?

Jake (sings) Yes you can!

Skippy (arriving) Kids over then?

Jake Apparently

Skippy What you doing there then?

Jake (sighs) Taking advantage of this mild weather and raking the lumps out. (to himself) Wait for it (mimics Skippy) You don’t wanna do it like that

Skippy (tuts & then blows out) Bit early for all that, bit of a waste of time, you’ll only have to do it again

Jake I don’t mind

Skippy S’pose. It’s not like you have anything else to do

Jake (sighs again) Indeed

Skippy I had most of them raspberries last year

Jake (surprised) Oh, it was you was it?

Skippy Yeah, like say, no one was around, so I took ‘em

Jake (sarcastically) Were they nice?

Skippy Yeah, lovely. Got about 12 pots of jam 

Jake That’s good then, but didn’t you notice that the potatoes were being dug up while you were taking the raspberries?

Skippy Yeah

Jake But you still took the raspberries off someone else’s plot

Skippy That carpet

Jake What?

Skippy Council say you can’t use carpet on the site

Jake (slightly perturbed) OK. Don’t change the subject

Skippy You grew sunflowers last year didn’t you?

Jake (getting irritated) Yes

Skippy Attract rats

Jake (deep breath) So does most of what we grow. Can’t be helped

Skippy And sweetcorn, that attracts rats

Jake Hang on a minute! You’ve got carpet!

Skippy They climb up the back of the sunflowers and get to the seeds from behind

Jake Stop changing the subject. This year, please leave the raspberries where they are or until I have taken what I want at the very least

Skippy (walking away) Got me own now anyway

Jack (approaching) Take it from me, he’s just being-

Jill -his usual self

Jake I just wish he’d be himself elsewhere

Jack Pain isn’t he

Jake I tend to think so

Jill We have some seeds from last year-

Jack -onions-

Jill -cabbage-

Jack -beetroot-

Jill -and stuff. You could have some if you like

Jake Ta very much, you are very kind, one day I will return the favour

Jill Don’t be silly

Jack Yes, we have plenty

Jill Our seed is your seed

Jack Seeds R Us

Jake Can I ask a personal question?

Jack & Jill (together) Yes of course

Jake Do you ever go home?

Felicity (approaching) Couldn’t help over hearing your earlier conversation re: carpet, etc

Jack & Jill (together) We’ll be off then.

Jack Let’s go ask Plot 13 why he’s digging such a deep hole

Jill Yes let’s

Felicity Don’t go on my account. Anyway, you shouldn’t really have the carpet, nor grow sweetcorn or sunflowers as our friend says

Jake He’s no friend of mine! Had any new applications recently?

Felicity Funny you should say that

Jake (feigning surprise) Oh really?

India (from distance) Daddy! Daddy! Come quickly!

Felicity Oh I say

Jake What is that?

India Pomcost!

Jake Compost!

India Pomcost!

Jake Whatever it is you just so happen to be covered in it

Felicity Oh dear. I will just add one more thing my dear

Starchild (to mobile) Well, yeah, I like to come over here (pause) Vegetables, we grow vegetables (pause) Waitrose? Grow your own, that’s the thing (pause) My dad, it’s the one thing he does do (pause) Yeah, loads of stuff. Me? I weed and stuff- Oh gross, my little bro is covered in shit!

Jake (to India) We’ll have to get you home young fella. (to Star) It’s not shit, it’s compost. And very fine compost too!

India Pom-cost is good, it’s got worms

Felicity Yes dear, lots of worms. Back to the rats

Starchild Oh it’s one of his weird friends.

Felicity I’m not his friend

Jake Sorry, got to get the litt’lun home Felicity. and end that phone call Star please

Starchild Gotta go, small person emergency

Felicity (raising voice as Jake, Star and India leave) Anyway, I had two more  
applicants, Dawn Mower and Tony Trimmer, plot seven-ty three- Oh, you have plot 73

Skippy That’d be Dawn Mower asin rhymns with lawn mower and Tony Rimmer- T Rimmer, trimmer

Felicity Well, it’s just not fair