...ordinarily, a fine idea, but this weekend included about 10 trips back and forth across many a rain swept hill and dale between Berkhamsted and Tring carting my lovely in-laws belongings from a 2nd storey flat (no lift) and a bungalow. (I nearly typed bingalow then, a name far better suited to such a small dwelling!)
The in-laws bingalow (for that is what it shall be called now) is actually rather lovely. They have a 24 hour warden on call - father-in-law is 80 and, although not entirely infirm (far from it really) it is a comfort to know there is someone on call. There is a little yard at the back that overlooks the church and a pub not 100 yards away, a big plus for himself, once he gets his pub-legs back that is.
So much of the "stuff" we carted from one lovely Hertfordshire town to other was unnecessary that I reckon we could have done it in a couple of goes if they had been brutal. I did take a large load to the tip this morning in my trusty old Volvo - The Belgrano I call it, in honour of the those poor bastards Thachet torpedoed all those years ago (and no that is not a misspelling of Thatcher!) The Volvo, "Belgrano", is big and battleship grey, de ahà el nombre.
The back is very very sore, but I did do a lot of digging last week so a combination of the two has taken it's toll. You see I have an old injury to the base of my spine. Three vertebrae were damaged when I was 8, when I was run down by a Jaguar driven by one of my classmate's dads. My father told him if he didn't want me to come round after school any more he only had to say and that running me over was a bit extreme. This is a true story and I swear me dad actually said those words. The upshot is that if I turn too abruptly a cartilage "pops" out from in between a couple of the said vertebrae and it smarts. Since I have been gardening full time though, the back has been - touch wood - fine. Just very achy at times. It's lucky it is getting stronger 'cos the chiropractor is getting ridiculously expensive.
I digress, the weekend. The in-laws are in their nice bingalow and we are at home with a nice bottle of Spanish red settling in to watch South Riding, followed with a good portion of Being Human. Sometimes hard work prepares you for the beautiful things in life and sometimes those beautiful things include the BBC. God bless her and all who prevail in her...
Happy tweaking!
Sunday, 20 February 2011
Friday, 18 February 2011
Mid-Summer Murder Mystery Part Deux
Yes it's Part Deux of the triffic story of every day life on an allotment in the lovely market town of Grint in Hertfordshire - Grint is an anagram by the way. Today we meet Felicity and erstwhile "lovely" clone couple, Jack and Jill.
Enjoy:
(Fade in digging, heavy breathing, lots of effort)
Jake Phew! Job jobbed!
Tom (from a distance) Hello young Mr Jake
Jake (relaxing, let’s out a big exhalation of breath)
Hello Mr Tom. How are we today?
Tom (with Jake) Fine sir. Cuppa?
Jake Why not?
Tom Mr Skippy’s been delving in skips again I see
Jake (sipping tea) Yep, he is a veritable magpie of vast resource and incredible versatility
Tom Cheap skate you mean (sips from tea) How’s that thumb of yours?
Jake Oh (reticent) fine. Weird how it’s now about 25% bigger than the other one
Tom Flatter you mean (both laugh) You never really explained how you did it
Jake Didn’t I?
Tom No, not really
Jake Well I was putting in a new fence post-
Tom Yeah
Jake - and well I only had- Oh look here comes Jack and Jill, up the hill (pause) without a pail of water
Tom Saved by the nursery rhyme. I will find out the truth about that thumb of yours one day Mr Jake. Hello Jack, hello Jill!
Jack and Jill (together, they’re both quite excited) Hello you two. (to Skippy) Hello There!
Skippy (from distance) Hello back there
Jack The people on plot 13 are at it again
Jill Yes did you see them yesterday
Jake (under his breath) Oh-my-god
Jack Yes, they were at it hammer and tong they were
Jake Some people show their affection in strange ways. I myself allow my wife to beat senseless on my return to the family home
Jill No listen Jake. Go on Jack
Tom Yes go on Jack
Jack Well, I have a theory. You see if you’re unemployed, you can get a bit fraught at times
Jill Clever!
Jake Why?
Tom And why is that clever?
Jack Because the unemployed, are unemployed-
Jill -and don’t have a lot to do-
Jack -so they lose it a bit, cos they get frustrated
Jake Errr, where is this going?
Jack There you see, I told you he’d get it
Jake Get what?
Jill Oh, I don’t know, I think he's struggling with this one
Tom Jake is unemployed at the moment Jack.
Jack Yeah, but the bloke on number 13 has always had a bit of anger
management problem hasn’t he? And he’s unemployed
Jill He has Jack, remember that time he broke up all his bean supports? And he’s digging a really big hole too.
Jake (sighs) Perhaps he’s going to bury his wife there
Jack Well, you never know
Tom (moving away) Oh please and I wish I could understand what you’re talking about (fading away) or maybe not
Felicity (coming close as she speaks) Everyone! Everyone! I’m so pleased we’re all here!
Jake (under his breath, to himself) What have I done to deserve this? Tweedle Dee and Dum, Skippy and now Felicity the Gardener’s Question Time stalker
Felicity Hello one and all! I have splendid news
Jake Why’s that Fliss (Tom returning and sniggers with Jack and Jill)
Felicity I’ll ignore that Jake as you know I don’t appreciate nick names
Jake OK, fair enough
Tom I can’t bear the tension. The Trugmore Lane Allotment Society is all of baited breath Felicity?
Felicity (proudly) We have two new members (rustles paper). A Mr William Burrough and Colm Post have taken Plot 111. How do you
pronounce (spells) C-O-L-M Post?
Tom (laughing, as are Jack & Jill) I think you’ll find you’re meant to pronounce it Compost - the name is Irish and it’s Collum, but I reckon you’ve been duped (sniffs) again.
Felicity (indignant) Well what about William Burrough?
Jack (all laughing quite loudly now) Do you think he might be known as Will Burrough, as in-
Jill Wheel Barrow? And there’s only 80 plots here, so how could they have plot 111?
Felicity (even more indignant) Well, who would do such a thing? How- How-
Tom (still laughing) Childish?
Felicity Yes how childish. Who would do such a thing?
Jake (indignant too) Don’t look at me! As if I could be bothered to make that much effort
Felicity Well, I mean- Well! (turns on her heel and from distance) I shall be off then, I only came over to tell you what I thought was good news-
Jake Shame her house over looks the allotments. She checks us out all the time you know. The curtains twitch without her even touching them. All she has to do is stare and they twitch
Skippy (from a distance) I sometimes wonder at the sanity over here
Jake Is there a clause in the rules and regulations of the Trugmore Lane Allotment Society that confirms one’s sanity?
Skippy (from distance) What? The sanity clause?
Jake & Tom (together) But there’s no such thing as Sanity Clause
Jake God bless the Marx Brothers!
(Fade. Fade in door shutting)
Enjoy:
(Fade in digging, heavy breathing, lots of effort)
Jake Phew! Job jobbed!
Tom (from a distance) Hello young Mr Jake
Jake (relaxing, let’s out a big exhalation of breath)
Hello Mr Tom. How are we today?
Tom (with Jake) Fine sir. Cuppa?
Jake Why not?
Tom Mr Skippy’s been delving in skips again I see
Jake (sipping tea) Yep, he is a veritable magpie of vast resource and incredible versatility
Tom Cheap skate you mean (sips from tea) How’s that thumb of yours?
Jake Oh (reticent) fine. Weird how it’s now about 25% bigger than the other one
Tom Flatter you mean (both laugh) You never really explained how you did it
Jake Didn’t I?
Tom No, not really
Jake Well I was putting in a new fence post-
Tom Yeah
Jake - and well I only had- Oh look here comes Jack and Jill, up the hill (pause) without a pail of water
Tom Saved by the nursery rhyme. I will find out the truth about that thumb of yours one day Mr Jake. Hello Jack, hello Jill!
Jack and Jill (together, they’re both quite excited) Hello you two. (to Skippy) Hello There!
Skippy (from distance) Hello back there
Jack The people on plot 13 are at it again
Jill Yes did you see them yesterday
Jake (under his breath) Oh-my-god
Jack Yes, they were at it hammer and tong they were
Jake Some people show their affection in strange ways. I myself allow my wife to beat senseless on my return to the family home
Jill No listen Jake. Go on Jack
Tom Yes go on Jack
Jack Well, I have a theory. You see if you’re unemployed, you can get a bit fraught at times
Jill Clever!
Jake Why?
Tom And why is that clever?
Jack Because the unemployed, are unemployed-
Jill -and don’t have a lot to do-
Jack -so they lose it a bit, cos they get frustrated
Jake Errr, where is this going?
Jack There you see, I told you he’d get it
Jake Get what?
Jill Oh, I don’t know, I think he's struggling with this one
Tom Jake is unemployed at the moment Jack.
Jack Yeah, but the bloke on number 13 has always had a bit of anger
management problem hasn’t he? And he’s unemployed
Jill He has Jack, remember that time he broke up all his bean supports? And he’s digging a really big hole too.
Jake (sighs) Perhaps he’s going to bury his wife there
Jack Well, you never know
Tom (moving away) Oh please and I wish I could understand what you’re talking about (fading away) or maybe not
Felicity (coming close as she speaks) Everyone! Everyone! I’m so pleased we’re all here!
Jake (under his breath, to himself) What have I done to deserve this? Tweedle Dee and Dum, Skippy and now Felicity the Gardener’s Question Time stalker
Felicity Hello one and all! I have splendid news
Jake Why’s that Fliss (Tom returning and sniggers with Jack and Jill)
Felicity I’ll ignore that Jake as you know I don’t appreciate nick names
Jake OK, fair enough
Tom I can’t bear the tension. The Trugmore Lane Allotment Society is all of baited breath Felicity?
Felicity (proudly) We have two new members (rustles paper). A Mr William Burrough and Colm Post have taken Plot 111. How do you
pronounce (spells) C-O-L-M Post?
Tom (laughing, as are Jack & Jill) I think you’ll find you’re meant to pronounce it Compost - the name is Irish and it’s Collum, but I reckon you’ve been duped (sniffs) again.
Felicity (indignant) Well what about William Burrough?
Jack (all laughing quite loudly now) Do you think he might be known as Will Burrough, as in-
Jill Wheel Barrow? And there’s only 80 plots here, so how could they have plot 111?
Felicity (even more indignant) Well, who would do such a thing? How- How-
Tom (still laughing) Childish?
Felicity Yes how childish. Who would do such a thing?
Jake (indignant too) Don’t look at me! As if I could be bothered to make that much effort
Felicity Well, I mean- Well! (turns on her heel and from distance) I shall be off then, I only came over to tell you what I thought was good news-
Jake Shame her house over looks the allotments. She checks us out all the time you know. The curtains twitch without her even touching them. All she has to do is stare and they twitch
Skippy (from a distance) I sometimes wonder at the sanity over here
Jake Is there a clause in the rules and regulations of the Trugmore Lane Allotment Society that confirms one’s sanity?
Skippy (from distance) What? The sanity clause?
Jake & Tom (together) But there’s no such thing as Sanity Clause
Jake God bless the Marx Brothers!
(Fade. Fade in door shutting)
Thursday, 17 February 2011
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| The driveway - which is long enough |
 |
| Two main beds on the main lawn |
 |
| The pond with the rockery |
 |
| The pond |
 |
| The other side of the house - children's play area |
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| The border at the top of the drive - first thing I did |
I think I am going to have a lovely time working with this beautiful garden - luckily I do not have to cut the grass!
The new garden...
One thing, it's big! I started last week and have done about 5 of the beds so far and it's looking nice.
It's on the Bucks/Herts border and I think I'm going to have a lovely time working there over the years.
Happy viewing!
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
Mid-Summer Murder Mystery
The initial idea for this was a series of six 30 minute episodes, but the Beeb weren't interested. I think they are intent on employing known writers at the moment. Anyway, not sure if this is going to work, but I have rewritten it as a 45 minute play and am going to post it here in about 10 parts so it's not too hard to read.
The premise is that there is an allotment site in a small market town called Grint, somewhere in the Herts/Bucks area. The main character, Jake, is an unemployed 50-something with a young family and a healthily cynical approach to life. There is an Allotment Society at Trugmore Lane Allotments, full of basically well meaning but irritating individuals that Jake just about tolerates.
Felicity is the irritating chair of the society; Jack & Jill are an oddly enthusiastic(?) couple who are joined at the hip; Skippy is Jake's nemesis and the biggest wind-up on the allotments and Tom is the only one Jake can stomach.
Jake is forever fighting a dog, ironically called Jake, and it's owner, rowing over the antics of her dog. There is also a mysterious woman from the council who is haunting Jake about how he hasn't "utilised" his plot to it's full potential.
There is another unemployed 50-something man on plot 13 who is constantly arguing with his wife and is digging a very deep hole on his plot. The members slowly all come to the conclusion that the hole is for the man's dead wife.
Jake's family, wife Natalie, 12 year old daughter Starchild and 4 year son India, are as quirky as Jake and are the source of many a laugh.
OK, so here we go, as I say, not sure if it'll work. Here's the first part:
The Man on Plot 13 (angrily) I told you; I-told-you, I have been over here since early this morning woman
His wife (obviously upset) But-
Man 13 No buts
Wife I know you’ve been in that pub
Man 13 Chance’d be a fine thing
Wife What does that mean?
Tom At it again, look at them
Jake What?
Tom Him on plot 13, having a go at his missus
Jake For all you know, it’s the other way round and, what’s it to you anyway, you sound like the tittle-tattle brigade
Tom (mock hurt) How dare you
Jake Well, really, what is it to us? So they argue a bit, so what?
Tom S’pose so, but they do do it a lot and over here too. Don’t you think it’s a bit dumb, bringing their dirty laundry over to an allotment for all and sundry to over hear?
Jake (sighs) OK, you don’t have to listen do you? Perhaps it’s the only time they get to see each other. Perhaps he’s a busy banker in the city and she’s a Dragon’s Den dragon
Tom You reckon?
Jake (heavy sigh) Oh stop it!
Man 13 If I want to go to the pub, and I don’t, but if I did, I would do it
Wife (bursts into tears) There you go again. I’m going home
Sounds of digging fades in as Jake is working on his allotment.
He is listening to music on his MP3 player, and he sings along to “Going Underground” by the Jam.
Sounds of children playing fades in
Starchild (older female child, about 11/12) India! India, put that down. Dad? (shouts) JAKE!
Jake (still singing) Going underground-
Starchild (shouts & pulls out her father’s earphones) DAD!
Jake Ouch! Bloody hell, that was my ear. This better be good Star-
Starchild Look at India
Jake What? Where? OH! Oh, no, India put the scythe down son
India (from the distance) I am a knight of the realm, swish, off with your head!
Jake Put it down, be careful, you just may do that very thing
India Oh look, I’m Captain Hook, ha haaaaarrrrrr! I’ll get you Peter Pan
Skippy (voice fades in as Jake realises he is being spoken to)
You sure you’re doing that right?
Jake (sighs heavily) Sorry?
Skippy You wanna take the fork out a bit more straighter
Jake What? A bit more what? Look, I’m a bit busy trying to stop my 4 year old son severing something
Skippy The fork should go straight down, then straight back up again, then break up the sods
Jake Err, can I just (sighs heavily)
Skippy (oblivious) It helps your back if you do it like that
Jake India! Please, do not wave that thing round your head
Skippy (seemingly oblivious of the situation) You see, I know you have a bad back
Jake (sighs again) What were you saying about my fork?
Skippy No, I said you want to be a bit straighter with your penetration
Jake There really is no answer to that. India please put it down
Skippy (again oblivious to Jake’s comment) Yeah, you see if you put the fork, or spade, in at an angle of 90 degrees, it’s easier on the old back
Jake Thanks invaluable information as usual (under breath) Over here son, swing in this direction (quietly) at his shins
Skippy I suppose you want to know what I’ve got today
Jake (mutters to himself) No, not really
(Louder) Didn’t notice anything mate. Oh my (India is shouting something
indecipherable) India drop that NOW!
Skippy (triumphantly) Only a batch of perspex
Jake Look, I really haven’t got time at the moment
Starchild Look out dad
Jake & Starchild (together) Whoa!
Jake OK Star, ok, you go left, I’ll go right
Skippy (surreptitiously) Guess where I got it from?
Jake (disinterested) Not now, please
Skippy Yep, a skip. You’ll never guess where?
Jake (annoyed) Look! Will you give me a bit of space mate, can't you see what's going on here
Skippy What? No, listen, got it from a skip outside the back of Tesco!
Jake India. Ok son, that’s it give me the scythe
India (incredulous) It’s a sword. Say give me the sword, please
Skippy (Walking away) Yeah, that’s the way, never pay for nothin’ me
Jake Give me the sword.
India Say please
Starchild Just give the sword to dad India
Jake Please, India, give me the sword.
Skippy (moving away) What a strange family
India Good boy. Here you go. You be careful with that sword daddy, it could be very dangerous in the wrong hands
Jake (to Star) It could be, couldn’t it? Like used in the direction of him on the next plot eh?
Starchild You could claim death by misadventure
Jake Or diminished responsibility. I mean, how he could he just keep on about his bloody skip raid while all that was happening?
The premise is that there is an allotment site in a small market town called Grint, somewhere in the Herts/Bucks area. The main character, Jake, is an unemployed 50-something with a young family and a healthily cynical approach to life. There is an Allotment Society at Trugmore Lane Allotments, full of basically well meaning but irritating individuals that Jake just about tolerates.
Felicity is the irritating chair of the society; Jack & Jill are an oddly enthusiastic(?) couple who are joined at the hip; Skippy is Jake's nemesis and the biggest wind-up on the allotments and Tom is the only one Jake can stomach.
Jake is forever fighting a dog, ironically called Jake, and it's owner, rowing over the antics of her dog. There is also a mysterious woman from the council who is haunting Jake about how he hasn't "utilised" his plot to it's full potential.
There is another unemployed 50-something man on plot 13 who is constantly arguing with his wife and is digging a very deep hole on his plot. The members slowly all come to the conclusion that the hole is for the man's dead wife.
Jake's family, wife Natalie, 12 year old daughter Starchild and 4 year son India, are as quirky as Jake and are the source of many a laugh.
OK, so here we go, as I say, not sure if it'll work. Here's the first part:
Mid-Summer Murder Mystery
The Man on Plot 13 (angrily) I told you; I-told-you, I have been over here since early this morning woman
His wife (obviously upset) But-
Man 13 No buts
Wife I know you’ve been in that pub
Man 13 Chance’d be a fine thing
Wife What does that mean?
Tom At it again, look at them
Jake What?
Tom Him on plot 13, having a go at his missus
Jake For all you know, it’s the other way round and, what’s it to you anyway, you sound like the tittle-tattle brigade
Tom (mock hurt) How dare you
Jake Well, really, what is it to us? So they argue a bit, so what?
Tom S’pose so, but they do do it a lot and over here too. Don’t you think it’s a bit dumb, bringing their dirty laundry over to an allotment for all and sundry to over hear?
Jake (sighs) OK, you don’t have to listen do you? Perhaps it’s the only time they get to see each other. Perhaps he’s a busy banker in the city and she’s a Dragon’s Den dragon
Tom You reckon?
Jake (heavy sigh) Oh stop it!
Man 13 If I want to go to the pub, and I don’t, but if I did, I would do it
Wife (bursts into tears) There you go again. I’m going home
Sounds of digging fades in as Jake is working on his allotment.
He is listening to music on his MP3 player, and he sings along to “Going Underground” by the Jam.
Sounds of children playing fades in
Starchild (older female child, about 11/12) India! India, put that down. Dad? (shouts) JAKE!
Jake (still singing) Going underground-
Starchild (shouts & pulls out her father’s earphones) DAD!
Jake Ouch! Bloody hell, that was my ear. This better be good Star-
Starchild Look at India
Jake What? Where? OH! Oh, no, India put the scythe down son
India (from the distance) I am a knight of the realm, swish, off with your head!
Jake Put it down, be careful, you just may do that very thing
India Oh look, I’m Captain Hook, ha haaaaarrrrrr! I’ll get you Peter Pan
Skippy (voice fades in as Jake realises he is being spoken to)
You sure you’re doing that right?
Jake (sighs heavily) Sorry?
Skippy You wanna take the fork out a bit more straighter
Jake What? A bit more what? Look, I’m a bit busy trying to stop my 4 year old son severing something
Skippy The fork should go straight down, then straight back up again, then break up the sods
Jake Err, can I just (sighs heavily)
Skippy (oblivious) It helps your back if you do it like that
Jake India! Please, do not wave that thing round your head
Skippy (seemingly oblivious of the situation) You see, I know you have a bad back
Jake (sighs again) What were you saying about my fork?
Skippy No, I said you want to be a bit straighter with your penetration
Jake There really is no answer to that. India please put it down
Skippy (again oblivious to Jake’s comment) Yeah, you see if you put the fork, or spade, in at an angle of 90 degrees, it’s easier on the old back
Jake Thanks invaluable information as usual (under breath) Over here son, swing in this direction (quietly) at his shins
Skippy I suppose you want to know what I’ve got today
Jake (mutters to himself) No, not really
(Louder) Didn’t notice anything mate. Oh my (India is shouting something
indecipherable) India drop that NOW!
Skippy (triumphantly) Only a batch of perspex
Jake Look, I really haven’t got time at the moment
Starchild Look out dad
Jake & Starchild (together) Whoa!
Jake OK Star, ok, you go left, I’ll go right
Skippy (surreptitiously) Guess where I got it from?
Jake (disinterested) Not now, please
Skippy Yep, a skip. You’ll never guess where?
Jake (annoyed) Look! Will you give me a bit of space mate, can't you see what's going on here
Skippy What? No, listen, got it from a skip outside the back of Tesco!
Jake India. Ok son, that’s it give me the scythe
India (incredulous) It’s a sword. Say give me the sword, please
Skippy (Walking away) Yeah, that’s the way, never pay for nothin’ me
Jake Give me the sword.
India Say please
Starchild Just give the sword to dad India
Jake Please, India, give me the sword.
Skippy (moving away) What a strange family
India Good boy. Here you go. You be careful with that sword daddy, it could be very dangerous in the wrong hands
Jake (to Star) It could be, couldn’t it? Like used in the direction of him on the next plot eh?
Starchild You could claim death by misadventure
Jake Or diminished responsibility. I mean, how he could he just keep on about his bloody skip raid while all that was happening?
Nil Blog
As it is my birthday today and I have been working in the rain and there is a bottle of Rioja waiting for me downstairs and I'm a bit knackered and I'm now 54, I can't be bothered to write too much, so-
Monday, 14 February 2011
Can U Dig It?
Gonna try something different, possibly from later today. I had a play rejected by the Beeb last year and I have re-written it. It's a Radio play about an allotment site - yeah, compelling! I'm thinking of putting out in little chunks here and then hoping that people might either like it or tell me to shove it. Anyhoo, I think I will give it a go...
Happy happy...
Happy happy...
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