Mid-Summer Murder Mystery Pt 3

We now meet Jake's family at home and "The Dog Owner..."

(Fade. Fade in door shutting)


Jake (mock American) Hi honey! I’m home! (takes gardening clothes off and runs water to wash hands)


Natalie (from distance) Did you get it finished?


Jake (washing hands) Yes nearly. One more smallish area to dig and we’ll be in business for starting planting up in a few weeks


Natalie (closer) Good. You’ve got a letter from EC2


Jake Ah! A job offer no doubt


Natalie Yes. 50 grand, plus car and a 3 day working week


Jake Give us a kiss


Natalie Do I have to?


Jake (opening letter) Please yourself (reads, sighs) Listen to this, “Dear Mr Blah, Thank you for applying for the above job role. As I’m sure you can 
appreciate, we had many applicants for this role, indeed over 60 applied. Of those, 15 have been added to our short list” - short list? 15? - “You were very nearly one of those successful applicants, but I’m afraid you have not been so as those who have been added are more so.”


If I ever get another job I shall write to this - Mrs Drivel - and ask her to explain what the naffing hell that means and tell her to shove her letter and the role- Listen to this, “However, you will no doubt be pleased to note that we have indeed kept your CV and contact details on file for future reference should a suitable other role be suitably made available.”


Natalie Sounds like you’re well out of that one. At least you got a reply though?


Jake I guess. These HR people could at least learn how to construct a 
sentence that actually makes sense. “However, you will no doubt be pleased to note...” I mean, what is there to be pleased about for-


India Daddy, daddy, daddy!


Jake Hello little fella. Had a good afternoon at Play Group?


India Yes. One of the other boys got a snail stuck up his nose


Jake A snail? Stuck up his nose?


Natalie A little one


Jake Ah


India Yes, a little one. He pushed it up there and then tried to blow it out


Natalie But sniffed instead


India By mistake, it was an astident


Starchild (walking into the kitchen) No never! I could have sworn it would have like been the other one (opens fridge door) You know, the one with the pierced 
nipple (pours a drink) Yes she has! She did it with a needle she found in her mum’s like drawer or something (shuts fridge door) It went septic- Oh, hi dad!


Jake Please, don’t distract yourself


Starchild (walking away) Whatever! Yes it did, and her breast went like totally 
purple


Natalie Kids today eh? We’d have been content with talking about Scooby Doo, skipping or David Cassidy, but today’s kids-


Jake Septic nipples - sounds like a punk band - and purple tits


India I blame the parents


(fade in newspaper page being turned and the sound of food being served up)


Jake (shouts) Starchild! Star!


Starchild (from distance, irritated) Yeah what?


Jake Tea!


Starchild OK, coming!


Jake Yeah what? I mean, yeah what?


India It’s bad isn’t it daddy? It’s not like she isn’t intellicant


Jake How old is our son again?


Natalie Four. He’s four


Jake Are you sure you didn’t carry him for 12 years in there, while reading the entire Oxford English?


Natalie He’s just a tad more intelligent than most kids of his age


Jake A tad? (shouts) Starchild will you get-


Starchild No need to shout, I’m here


Jake Oh sorry


Starchild (on mobile) Yeah, that was my dad. Yeah, like lame


Jake Lame? Lame? Anyway a tad more intelligent? He’s reading the Guardian, and understanding it!


Starchild Like no way!


Jake Who is that?


Starchild Doopnah


Jake (takes Star’s phone) Hello Diphthong, Starchild’s lame dad here, she’s 
eating, with her family. She’ll like call you after. Like bye!


Starchild How could you? And her name’s Doopnah, how difficult is that? And that was kind of racist too, getting her name wrong


Jake Easy


Starchild Anyway, that’s private property. That’s my property


Jake That we like bought for you and, oh yes, we top-up every other day it seems like, like! And sorry if I got your friend's name wrong, like


Natalie Ommmmmmmmmmmm-


India Daddy, I think mummy is about to explode


Jake She’s ommmmmming


Starchild I mean, well, it’s just so-


Jake Unfair? Life will do that to you quite frequently Starchild


Starchild And why did you name me that anyway?


Jake You know I did, it’s in deference to better times, when life was that much easier and-


Starchild It’s just so-


Jake Lame?


Natalie Ommmmmmmm


Starchild Can I eat in my room?


Natalie Noooooooo... Ommmmmmmmmm


India This family is officially discombobulated


Starchild It’s so unfair


Jake India, do you mean dysfunctional?


Natalie Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


Jake -you’re probably correct. Not eating love?


India No I mean discombobulated. It means-


Starchild I mean I was like speaking to Doopnah, her name is Doopnah, not Diphthong


India This song? What song?


Starchild Doopnah! Doopnah!


Jake Stick it up your jumper. Look, I have apologised


India And who called me India, Frankie Junior says India is a girl's name


Natalie Can we all make the effort to eat quietly? PLEASE?


Jake I named you son. I love India, the place and I love you.
(silence for a while) Silence is golden, but my eyes still see. What do you think that means exactly? But my eyes still see?


Starchild More rubbish lyrics from the lame 1960s


Jake Well, like, Ella, ella, ella, ella


Starchild You always do that


Jake Ella, schmella. 


Natalie They don’t write them like they used to? Jake, after 30 years together I’m still not sure about your sanity you know


Starchild Yeah, squeeze my lemon ‘til the juice runs down my leg


Jake Class lyric from a man at the height of his powers, magnificent Robert Plant


Natalie Ya think?


India It says in the Guardian that David Cameron has had an arsehole 
transplant. I didn’t know you could do that. (pause) 


Natalie (reading over India’s shoulder) Hang on- Ah, the arsehole rejected him!


(fade in walking and the occasional car driving passed at speed)


Jake 30! 30 miles an hour you moron!


(dog barks in the distance)


Jake And you can shut up too! Oh here we go, the devil incarnate-


(dog right behind Jake, loud snarls & growls)


Woman owner Jake! Jake! Stop that!


Jake Stop what? Your dog is humping me!


Owner What are you talking about?


Jake Your dog is having sex with my right leg. Get him off please


Owner Jake! Stop it!


Jake (exasperated) I’m not doing anything. Ouch!


(dog yelps)


Owner You just kicked him


Jake He’s having carnal knowledge of my leg AND he just bit me, hard- 


Owner Jake, come here. You wait ‘til I get you home!


Jake Why would I want to come home with you?


Owner The dog not you, what are you on about? Jake heel boy, heel!


Jake (incredulous) Heel? Heel boy? (clicking sound) Oh, the dog’s called Jake!


Owner Yes!


Jake (laughs) You see, I’m Jake too (laughs)


Owner Ah yes, I know you, you’re one of the busy bodies from the allotment aren’t you?


Jake (taken aback) Guilty as charged , I do have an allotment. Don’t know about being a busy body


Owner Well, I’m warning you anyway. We’ll walk our dogs on the common land whenever we want


Jake Fine, if you stick to the common land, just stop your animals from 
defecating and urinating on our vegetables


Owner Well, if you want to know, we’ve every right to go on the common land.


Jake (to himself) Am I not agreeing with her? (to the owner) Yes, I know that. It’s just that when your dog goes on the allotments, quite literally, goes on, that’s when it becomes a problem.


Owner We pick it up


Jake Not the point really. Dogs pee as well as poo and you can’t really do 
anything about the pee. It’s unsanitary


Tom (joining them) Ah, hello, couldn’t help but over hear the word sanitary. There is a clause in our constitution-


Owner A sanitary clause?


Jake & Tom (together) There’s no such thing as a Sanitary Clause!


(fade)

The weekend seemed as if it would go on forever...

...ordinarily, a fine idea, but this weekend included about 10 trips back and forth across many a rain swept hill and dale between Berkhamsted and Tring carting my lovely in-laws belongings from a 2nd storey flat (no lift) and a bungalow. (I nearly typed bingalow then, a name far better suited to such a small dwelling!)


The in-laws bingalow (for that is what it shall be called now) is actually rather lovely. They have a 24 hour warden on call - father-in-law is 80 and, although not entirely infirm (far from it really) it is a comfort to know there is someone on call. There is a little yard at the back that overlooks the church and a pub not 100 yards away, a big plus for himself, once he gets his pub-legs back that is.


So much of the "stuff" we carted from one lovely Hertfordshire town to other was unnecessary that I reckon we could have done it in a couple of goes if they had been brutal. I did take a large load to the tip this morning in my trusty old Volvo - The Belgrano I call it, in honour of the those poor bastards Thachet torpedoed all those years ago (and no that is not a misspelling of Thatcher!) The Volvo, "Belgrano", is big and battleship grey, de ahí el nombre.


The back is very very sore, but I did do a lot of digging last week so a combination of the two has taken it's toll. You see I have an old injury to the base of my spine. Three vertebrae were damaged when I was 8, when I was run down by a Jaguar driven by one of my classmate's dads. My father told him if he didn't want me to come round after school any more he only had to say and that running me over was a bit extreme. This is a true story and I swear me dad actually said those words. The upshot is that if I turn too abruptly a cartilage "pops" out from in between a couple of the said vertebrae and it smarts. Since I have been gardening full time though, the back has been - touch wood - fine. Just very achy at times. It's lucky it is getting stronger 'cos the chiropractor is getting ridiculously expensive.


I digress, the weekend. The in-laws are in their nice bingalow and we are at home with a nice bottle of Spanish red settling in to watch South Riding, followed with a good portion of Being Human. Sometimes hard work prepares you for the beautiful things in life and sometimes those beautiful things include the BBC. God bless her and all who prevail in her...


Happy tweaking!

Mid-Summer Murder Mystery Part Deux

Yes it's Part Deux of the triffic story of every day life on an allotment in the lovely market town of Grint in Hertfordshire - Grint is an anagram by the way. Today we meet Felicity and erstwhile "lovely" clone couple, Jack and Jill.


Enjoy: 


(Fade in digging, heavy breathing, lots of effort)


Jake Phew! Job jobbed!


Tom (from a distance) Hello young Mr Jake


Jake (relaxing, let’s out a big exhalation of breath)
Hello Mr Tom. How are we today? 


Tom (with Jake) Fine sir. Cuppa?


Jake Why not?


Tom Mr Skippy’s been delving in skips again I see


Jake (sipping tea) Yep, he is a veritable magpie of vast resource and incredible versatility


Tom Cheap skate you mean (sips from tea) How’s that thumb of yours?


Jake Oh (reticent) fine. Weird how it’s now about 25% bigger than the other one

Tom Flatter you mean (both laugh) You never really explained how you did it


Jake Didn’t I?


Tom No, not really


Jake Well I was putting in a new fence post-


Tom Yeah


Jake - and well I only had- Oh look here comes Jack and Jill, up the hill (pause) without a pail of water


Tom Saved by the nursery rhyme. I will find out the truth about that thumb of yours one day Mr Jake. Hello Jack, hello Jill!


Jack and Jill (together, they’re both quite excited) Hello you two. (to Skippy) Hello There!


Skippy (from distance) Hello back there


Jack The people on plot 13 are at it again


Jill Yes did you see them yesterday


Jake (under his breath) Oh-my-god


Jack Yes, they were at it hammer and tong they were


Jake Some people show their affection in strange ways. I myself allow my wife to beat senseless on my return to the family home


Jill No listen Jake. Go on Jack


Tom Yes go on Jack


Jack Well,  I have a theory. You see if you’re unemployed, you can get a bit fraught at times


Jill Clever!


Jake Why?


Tom And why is that clever?


Jack Because the unemployed, are unemployed-


Jill -and don’t have a lot to do-


Jack -so they lose it a bit, cos they get frustrated


Jake Errr, where is this going?


Jack There you see, I told you he’d get it


Jake Get what?


Jill Oh, I don’t know, I think he's struggling with this one


Tom Jake is unemployed at the moment Jack.


Jack Yeah, but the bloke on number 13 has always had a bit of anger 
management problem hasn’t he? And he’s unemployed


Jill He has Jack, remember that time he broke up all his bean supports? And he’s digging a really big hole too.


Jake (sighs) Perhaps he’s going to bury his wife there


Jack Well, you never know


Tom (moving away) Oh please and I wish I could understand what you’re talking about (fading away) or maybe not


Felicity (coming close as she speaks) Everyone! Everyone! I’m so pleased we’re all here!


Jake (under his breath, to himself) What have I done to deserve this? Tweedle Dee and Dum, Skippy and now Felicity the Gardener’s Question Time stalker


Felicity Hello one and all! I have splendid news 


Jake Why’s that Fliss (Tom returning and sniggers with Jack and Jill)


Felicity I’ll ignore that Jake as you know I don’t appreciate nick names


Jake OK, fair enough


Tom I can’t bear the tension. The Trugmore Lane Allotment Society is all of baited breath Felicity?


Felicity (proudly) We have two new members (rustles paper).  A Mr William Burrough and Colm Post have taken Plot 111. How do you 
pronounce (spells) C-O-L-M Post?


Tom (laughing, as are Jack & Jill) I think you’ll find you’re meant to pronounce it Compost - the name is Irish and it’s Collum, but I reckon you’ve been duped (sniffs) again.


Felicity (indignant) Well what about William Burrough?


Jack (all laughing quite loudly now) Do you think he might be known as Will Burrough, as in-


Jill Wheel Barrow? And there’s only 80 plots here, so how could they have plot 111?


Felicity (even more indignant) Well, who would do such a thing? How- How-


Tom (still laughing) Childish?


Felicity Yes how childish. Who would do such a thing?


Jake (indignant too) Don’t look at me! As if I could be bothered to make that much effort


Felicity Well, I mean- Well! (turns on her heel and from distance) I shall be off then, I only came over to tell you what I thought was good news-


Jake Shame her house over looks the allotments. She checks us out all the time you know. The curtains twitch without her even touching them. All she has to do is stare and they twitch


Skippy (from a distance) I sometimes wonder at the sanity over here


Jake Is there a clause in the rules and regulations of the Trugmore Lane Allotment Society that confirms one’s sanity?


Skippy (from distance) What? The sanity clause?


Jake & Tom (together) But there’s no such thing as Sanity Clause


Jake God bless the Marx Brothers!


(Fade. Fade in door shutting)

The driveway - which is long enough

Two main beds on the main lawn

The pond with the rockery

The pond

The other side of the house - children's play area

The border at the top of the drive - first thing
I did

I think I am going to have a lovely time working with this beautiful garden - luckily I do not have to cut the grass!

The new garden...

One thing, it's big! I started last week and have done about 5 of the beds so far and it's looking nice.


It's on the Bucks/Herts border and I think I'm going to have a lovely time working there over the years. 


Happy viewing!

Mid-Summer Murder Mystery

The initial idea for this was a series of six 30 minute episodes, but the Beeb weren't interested. I think they are intent on employing known writers at the moment. Anyway, not sure if this is going to work, but I have rewritten it as a 45 minute play and am going to post it here in about 10 parts so it's not too hard to read.

The premise is that there is an allotment site in a small market town called Grint, somewhere in the Herts/Bucks area. The main character, Jake, is an unemployed 50-something with a young family and a healthily cynical approach to life. There is an Allotment Society at Trugmore Lane Allotments, full of basically well meaning but irritating individuals that Jake just about tolerates.


Felicity is the irritating chair of the society; Jack & Jill are an oddly enthusiastic(?) couple who are joined at the hip; Skippy is Jake's nemesis and the biggest wind-up  on the allotments and Tom is the only one Jake can stomach.


Jake is forever fighting a dog, ironically called Jake, and it's owner, rowing over the antics of her dog. There is also a mysterious woman from the council who is haunting Jake about how he hasn't "utilised" his plot to it's full potential.


There is another unemployed 50-something man on plot 13 who is constantly arguing with his wife and is digging a very deep hole on his plot. The members slowly all come to the conclusion that the hole is for the man's dead wife.


Jake's family, wife Natalie, 12 year old daughter Starchild and 4 year son India, are as quirky as Jake and are the source of many a laugh.


OK, so here we go, as I say, not sure if it'll work. Here's the first part:

Mid-Summer Murder Mystery

The Man on Plot 13 (angrily) I told you; I-told-you, I have been over here since early this morning woman

His wife (obviously upset) But-

Man 13 No buts

Wife I know you’ve been in that pub

Man 13 Chance’d be a fine thing

Wife What does that mean?

Tom At it again, look at them

Jake What?

Tom Him on plot 13, having a go at his missus

Jake For all you know, it’s the other way round and, what’s it to you anyway, you sound like the tittle-tattle brigade

Tom (mock hurt) How dare you

Jake Well, really, what is it to us? So they argue a bit, so what?

Tom S’pose so, but they do do it a lot and over here too. Don’t you think it’s a bit dumb, bringing their dirty laundry over to an allotment for all and sundry to over hear?

Jake (sighs) OK, you don’t have to listen do you? Perhaps it’s the only time they get to see each other. Perhaps he’s a busy banker in the city and she’s a Dragon’s Den dragon

Tom You reckon?

Jake (heavy sigh) Oh stop it!

Man 13 If I want to go to the pub, and I don’t, but if I did, I would do it

Wife (bursts into tears) There you go again. I’m going home

Sounds of digging fades in as Jake is working on his allotment.
He is listening to music on his MP3 player, and he sings along to “Going Underground” by the Jam.
Sounds of children playing fades in

Starchild (older female child, about 11/12) India! India, put that down. Dad? (shouts) JAKE!

Jake (still singing) Going underground-

Starchild (shouts & pulls out her father’s earphones) DAD!

Jake Ouch! Bloody hell, that was my ear. This better be good Star-

Starchild Look at India

Jake What? Where? OH! Oh, no, India put the scythe down son

India (from the distance) I am a knight of the realm, swish, off with your head!

Jake Put it down, be careful, you just may do that very thing

India Oh look, I’m Captain Hook, ha haaaaarrrrrr! I’ll get you Peter Pan

Skippy (voice fades in as Jake realises he is being spoken to)
You sure you’re doing that right?

Jake (sighs heavily) Sorry?

Skippy You wanna take the fork out a bit more straighter

Jake What? A bit more what? Look, I’m a bit busy trying to stop my 4 year old son severing something

Skippy The fork should go straight down, then straight back up again, then break up the sods

Jake Err, can I just (sighs heavily)

Skippy (oblivious) It helps your back if you do it like that

Jake India! Please, do not wave that thing round your head
Skippy (seemingly oblivious of the situation) You see, I know you have a bad back

Jake (sighs again) What were you saying about my fork?

Skippy No, I said you want to be a bit straighter with your penetration

Jake There really is no answer to that. India please put it down

Skippy (again oblivious to Jake’s comment) Yeah, you see if you put the fork, or spade, in at an angle of 90 degrees, it’s easier on the old back

Jake Thanks invaluable information as usual (under breath) Over here son, swing in this direction (quietly) at his shins

Skippy I suppose you want to know what I’ve got today

Jake (mutters to himself) No, not really
(Louder) Didn’t notice anything mate. Oh my (India is shouting something
indecipherable) India drop that NOW!

Skippy (triumphantly) Only a batch of perspex

Jake Look, I really haven’t got time at the moment

Starchild Look out dad

Jake & Starchild (together) Whoa!

Jake OK Star, ok, you go left, I’ll go right

Skippy (surreptitiously) Guess where I got it from?

Jake (disinterested) Not now, please

Skippy Yep, a skip. You’ll never guess where?

Jake (annoyed) Look! Will you give me a bit of space mate, can't you see what's going on here

Skippy What? No, listen, got it from a skip outside the back of Tesco!

Jake India. Ok son, that’s it give me the scythe

India (incredulous) It’s a sword. Say give me the sword, please

Skippy (Walking away) Yeah, that’s the way, never pay for nothin’ me

Jake Give me the sword.

India Say please

Starchild Just give the sword to dad India

Jake Please, India, give me the sword.

Skippy (moving away) What a strange family

India Good boy. Here you go. You be careful with that sword daddy, it could be very dangerous in the wrong hands

Jake (to Star) It could be, couldn’t it? Like used in the direction of him on the next plot eh?

Starchild You could claim death by misadventure

Jake Or diminished responsibility. I mean, how he could he just keep on about his bloody skip raid while all that was happening?

Nil Blog

As it is my birthday today and I have been working in the rain and there is a bottle of Rioja waiting for me downstairs and I'm a bit knackered and I'm now 54, I can't be bothered to write too much, so-