Got me arse in gear and...

...even got some digging done over on the allotment (that'll get to the council spies!) Digging is so good for you isn't it? Gets the blood rolling and the heart a-pumpin' - should be other way round really - and makes one feel like one has actually put in a good shift. The back feels it of course, but then the back will feel any kind of activity that includes lifting, bending and stretching. 


So much couch grass, why is there so much couch grass? You dig it up, you pull out the roots and yet there it is again, bastard stuff. You'd think some government would have banned it over the years, but oh no, they have more important things to do like... well, selling guns to the Arabs - bastards!


Got the new hedge in too:

This is where I get impatient and can't just let mother nature take her lovely course. I want it to grow, grow, grow and show me I planted it right and fed it right and... Well, patience is a virtue, but I have never been that virtuous a human being.


Happy growing!

Ah! The pond... Ah! The rockery...

Spent about 16 hours tidying up and weeding this area - it's such a beautiful area, I didn't even notice. This is just not like work...

It's about 10% of the garden - and it's the best bit
of a lovely place!

I have this theory and my theory is this, ahem, here is my theory; it is this and it is my theory; this is most definitely a theory and it is my theory:

A GARDEN IS FOR RELAXING IN...

...and this one is a great experience. I wish to state that I am rather enamoured of this place!

Happy...

PS: I look a bit miserable in the picture above, but I think I can state, without fear of contradiction, I was not and am not, AND I'm going to see The Monkees in May, GET IN THERE!

Ramping up...

I want to say something outlandish but will only say "Gosh! I'm getting busy."

It's a good busy, unlike the soul destroying nonsense of the computer induced busy of the old days at Argos. I know I can say to my clients, "I can't quite finish that today" and they will be laid back about it. Thing is all my clients are so nice, I have always got things done by the time I said I would - I have a real sense of loyalty from them and they get it back in spades or forks - quite literally...

This week I have just about finished tidying one of my bigger gardens and got to round about 20% of another. The one in the picture is from the latter garden. I will take some of the second big garden tomorrow. It's the one with the pond and giant rockery and I couldn't be enjoying what I'm doing more. Mind you Radio 4 really helps me get through the day too.

The herb garden at Pat's - cleared out last Autumn
and we will re-stock in the coming weeks.

This bed at Pat's is my favourite, it's full of some lovely shrubs and perennials and looks brilliant in the Summer

These two are a couple of my mates. The blackbird came within a couple of yards of me last week and the robin was literally on my toe the week before.

Happy Gardening one and all!

Democracy gives you...

...Gideon. 

That really depresses me. I've never really been that much on the side of democracy. It always sounds good doesn't it? But what does democracy actually give to the working individual?


The things I cherish in the UK are the Welfare State and the NHS, a concept that Americans seem to think are alien to democracy. So we make contingencies to look after the have nots. Is that such a bad thing? We cope with the fact that a few people may take advantage of that thing that is called the "system" - perhaps 500,000 "scroungers" - is that such a bad thing if all those that actually are genuine are looked after? 


Maybe democracy over here means a different thing to what it means over there. But, then again what democracy here means must differ wildly to it's meaning in Egypt, Tunisia, Bahrain, Iran, UAE, Libya et al. What is it they want? Freedom from oppressive regimes, to be able to demonstrate without the threat of being bludgeoned to death or shot or taken away to be raped, tortured or to have one's children subjected to these things.


I have friends who are communists; I have friends who are socialists; I have friends who are liberals, I have friends who are humanists and I have friends who, like me, are anarchists, but personally my own personal sham(e) of voting is all "voted out". 20 years ago if I was to vote with my heart it would have been Labour, but Labour doesn't mean what it did. I look at Bob Crow and I see a "good geezer" and I want him to shut down the country; close the ports, close the railways, it's all we have left. I would have no problem seeing the country "held to ransom" by the unions again, but the Daily Mail curtain twitchers would get all outraged... 


Petrol prices are about to truly go through the roof. Will the lovely people from the Road Haulage Association be out on the highways and byways shutting down the road system this time? No, 'cos the people they bank roll are in power now and they'd look really stupid wouldn't they? 


So democracy, not sure what it is, but I think the people of Libya would be better off with it, whatever form of it they decide on. And that's the point, it's what the people of Libya want that matters, NOT the oil-dependant mealy mouthed West.


Peace innit...

Mid-Summer Murder Mystery Pt 9

I've jumped to the last two parts as I think it's gonna take too long to get there!
So here we go...




Natalie So, let me hear this again. You’re going to dig up plot 13 ‘cos the Trugmore Lane Allotment Society think there’s a body under the beans?


Jake Yes


Natalie Why you?


Jake Because (pause) They claim they haven’t seen his wife in days, Jill says weeks actually. And he has not been shouting at her on his phone too


Natalie That, doesn’t answer, why you?


Jake I don’t know. Just to stop them going on and on at me


Natalie That, is no excuse. It’s bloody madness, going out after midnight, blacked up wearing a freaking balaclava. You look like the Milk Tray man for pity’s sake


Jake Do I?


Natalie Stop it!


Jake Look I know it’s ridiculous, but we’ll get it done in no time with five of us


Natalie (exasperated) You shouldn’t even be contemplating it, let alone actually be on the verge of doing it


Jake Gotta go. Be back soon, shan’t kiss you, you’ll get covered in camouflage


Natalie (as door shuts quietly) 30 years, 30 bloody of years of this, I deserve time off for good behaviour


(we hear Jake walking slowly along the road. A car goes passed)


Jake Shit! Phew, why am I doing this again? Natalie is right, this is so stupid as to be beyond stupid. More stupid than the most stupid man in Stupidland


Tom Hey! How you doing Milk Tray man


Jake (obviously scared out of his mind) Sweet Jeepers Creepers, you trying to kill me? Don’t do that!


Tom Oops, a bit jumpy


Jake No! (pause) Yeah, look I’m going home, this is so dumb. I have no idea why I agreed to do this


Tom Because you are community minded and it’s-


Jake Community?


Tom (changing subject & sounds enthusiastic) Hey there Jack, Jill!


Jack Hello-


Jill Exciting isn’t it?


Jake No


Tom Ignore him


Jack Come on, Felicity will be waiting


Jill It’s like being in a film


Jack The Magnificent Seven


Jake (irritated) There’s only five of us


Jill No, Ocean’s 12


Jake (louder) There’s only five of us


Tom Shhhhhhh, we need to be quiet, ruthless, straight in, dig, check out the hole, fill it in, sraight out again. Simple!


Jack Five in a Hole (Jack & Jill laugh)


Jake At least you got the number right this time, but there’s no such film or book even


Tom Look, there’s Felicity, very fecthing in her camouflage gear


Jake Not too late to turn back


Jack Pardon?


Jake Nothing


Felicity (whispering) Is this where we synchronise watches


Jake What for? We’re going over there together


Felicity Of course, silly me. This feels like a film or a Secret Seven adventure


Jake Enid Blyton again. There’s only five of us Felicity


Felicity (laughs nervously) Yes, silly me


Jill Did you leave the spades where we agreed Tom?


Tom Check!


Jake Too loud


Tom Sorry, but there’s not gonna be anyone around, not in this town at this time and when was the last time you saw a cop car round here?


Jake Now, duck


(sound of a car driving passed slowly)


Felicity Oh my


Tom & Jake Shh...


Jill (giggles) Exciting


Tom Praise be to the council and this hedge


Jack What if they stop; what do we say?


Jill Trick or treat?


(fade)

And then I saw her face...

...now I'm a Believer. Oh yes, had a good day with my new toy errr garden tool. It's leaf blower/vac. Light, hand held and easy to use. Perfection in the palm of your hand.


And I'm listening to The Monkees too!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NT4erciHaHU


Could life get any better?




PS: I also have a can of Holsten with me, nice...


Happy drinking!

Mid-Summer Murder Mystery par de quatre

Quite a long part today. The man on plot 13 re-appears, Mrs Thingy from the council makes a mysterious appearance, Skippy irritates some more and Felicity gets duped again...


Man on plot 13 (on mobile) I’m telling you woman, I am on the allotment! I am! Please stop shouting. I am not shouting. (shouts) I am NOT SHOUTING! I am calm and I am on the allotment. Goodbye


Jake Even I think that’s a bit over the top. And that hole he’s digging is deep you know


Tom Yeah, you’d think he’d duck down in the hole if he’s gonna shout like that


Jake Bit difficult when you’re being accused of stuff and who brings their mobile to the allotment anyway?


(sound of a mobile phone in the distance - it’s the Hare Krishna chant)


Tom Jake, phone!


Jake How do you know it’s mine?


Tom You are the only person I know who would have that for a ring tone 


Jake Fair cop


Tom Better answer it eh?


Jake Of course. Where the hell is it?


Tom Posibly in your bag


Jake (running) Why did I leave it over there, (breathless) it is a mobile after all


Natalie Hello, my lovely, why are you out of breath, don’t answer that. Just off to swimming, got your keys?


Jake Hang on (sounds of searching through clothes) Hang on, must be in my bag (zips opening & rummaging) Hang on, I know they’re in here somewhere-


Tom (sound of keys being jingled) Let me talk to her. Hello Nat, Tom here, just found ‘em


Natalie Thanks Tom. What would he do without us?


Jake (snatches phone back) Got ‘em!


Natalie See you in a while then. If you get back before us give the chickens some water please


Jake Okey doke


Natalie Oh and vacuum-


Jake What? Vacuum the chickens?


Natalie No, the house you joker boy. Ooh yes and start the dinner-


Jake Fine - not chicken I presume?


Natalie Don’t be ridiculous. And just for that stupid, you can take the bins out-


Jake Uh huh-


Natalie And clean the kid’s shoes-


Jake Alright


Natalie -and mine


Jake The swimming pool water is evaporating hadn’t you better go?


Natalie Bye-eee


(sound of raking and 5live. Sound of swirling wind a la the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz)


Mrs Thingy Hello!


(more 5live...)


Mrs Thingy (louder) I was wondering if I could have a word


(still more 5live...)


Mrs Thingy (shouting) Could I have a word Mr-


Jake (taking out ear phones) Ah! Sorry! Listening to the radio. Ear phones you see?


Mrs Thingy Yes, I see. I was wondering if, as you seem to be struggling with the size of this plot-


Jake (put out) Pardon?


Mrs Thingy We have sent you several letters


Jake (getting defensive) We’ve had one I think. And what is your name again, I have never quite made it out


Mrs Thingy Mrs- (motor bike passes loudly by)


Jake Pardon?


Mrs Thingy Mrs- (low flying jet) If you are struggling we could rent off half to someone else you know


Jake I’m not struggling, I’m taking my time to prepare the soil. 


Mrs Thingy You have had this plot for nearly 3 years


Jake I had an accident last January and I couldn’t dig for most of the year-


Mrs Thingy We like to see all of the plot used Mr-


Jake Well, this year it will all be dug over and about 80% will be used. But-


Mrs Thingy 80% isn’t 100%


Jake (to himself) Good with figures. (to her) I’m sorryI have told you this many times and do you actually know anything about soil? When it’s been unused like this plot has been, it takes a while to-


Mrs Thingy Yes, well it was just a thought Mr-


Jake Actually while you’re here I’d like to ask a question about erecting a-


(sound of swirling wind again)


Jake -shed. Where’d she go? How does she do that? (shudders)


Jack What did she want?


Jake (jumps with surprise) Oh my God, don’t do that! What did who want?


Jill Her from the council


Jake Oh her, witch


Jack Bit harsh


Jake She- What is her name by the way?


Jill Mrs (loud lorry passes)


Jake What?


Jack Mrs (low flying helicopter)


Jake (to himself) I’m not meant to know her name. She’s my nemesis, I shall die not knowing her name (to Jack & Jill) She said I’m not using enough of the plot


Jack They don’t know anything about using an allotment these people, they’re just pen pushers


Jake I tried to explain about the soil


Jill It’s the same with erecting sheds over here


Jack No one can give us a definitive reason


Jake That has given me the incentive to find out then


Jack Good luck!


(fade in sound of typing on a computer keyboard)


Jake (speaks as he types) I-would-really-appreciate-the-definitive-reason-for-not being-able-to-erect-buildings-on-the-Trugmore-Lane-site. (exhales) These-things-can-be-done-sensitively-in-a-way-that-blends-into the-surroundings. (typing stops) OK Mrs thingy, admin at Grint town council. Let’s see what you say to that! (typing starts again) I-look-forward-to-your-soonest-reply. (stops typing) Bosh (hits keyboard hard) off you go!


(door slams in distance)


Natalie (from distance) Hello! Are you in?


Jake (shouts) Up in the office!


Natalie (from distance) Did you do all your chores!


Jake Yes I did! Did you have a good swim?


Natalie Lovely thank you!


India (standing behind Jake) There was a floater!


Jake Oh! You made me jump!


India There was a floater


Jake A floater? You mean a float don’t you?


India No, it was a pooh


Natalie Actually it was a Lion bar


Jake (laughs) Little devils


India Not a Lion bar! A pooh!


Natalie OK, it was a pooh


India India is a girl’s name


Jake Well, it can be for a boy or a girl-


Starchild (into mobile) Yes, I’m back. Oh it was OK, some joker put a Lion bar in the pool. Yeah, it was soooooo lame


Jake How much have you got left on that phone?


Starchild (to phone) Hang on. (to Jake) I don’t know. (to phone) Yeah, my dad. Yeah-


Jake Don’t say lame. If you say lame-


Natalie We’ll talk about your tally late Star. I’ll run you a bath


Starchild OK mum. Yeah (fading as she leaves the room) you can’t choose your parents can you?


(door slams shut)


India I blame the parents (emphasis on “blame”)


(fade into raking)


India Pomcost!


Jake (stops raking. Says slowly) Com-post


India (mimics Jake) Pom-cost. Can I dig it?


Jake (sings) Yes you can!


Skippy (arriving) Kids over then?


Jake Apparently


Skippy What you doing there then?


Jake (sighs) Taking advantage of this mild weather and raking the lumps out. (to himself) Wait for it (mimics Skippy) You don’t wanna do it like that


Skippy (tuts & then blows out) Bit early for all that, bit of a waste of time, you’ll only have to do it again


Jake I don’t mind


Skippy S’pose. It’s not like you have anything else to do


Jake (sighs again) Indeed


Skippy I had most of them raspberries last year


Jake (surprised) Oh, it was you was it?


Skippy Yeah, like say, no one was around, so I took ‘em


Jake (sarcastically) Were they nice?


Skippy Yeah, lovely. Got about 12 pots of jam 


Jake That’s good then, but didn’t you notice that the potatoes were being dug up while you were taking the raspberries?


Skippy Yeah


Jake But you still took the raspberries off someone else’s plot


Skippy That carpet


Jake What?


Skippy Council say you can’t use carpet on the site


Jake (slightly perturbed) OK. Don’t change the subject


Skippy You grew sunflowers last year didn’t you?


Jake (getting irritated) Yes


Skippy Attract rats


Jake (deep breath) So does most of what we grow. Can’t be helped


Skippy And sweetcorn, that attracts rats


Jake Hang on a minute! You’ve got carpet!


Skippy They climb up the back of the sunflowers and get to the seeds from behind


Jake Stop changing the subject. This year, please leave the raspberries where they are or until I have taken what I want at the very least


Skippy (walking away) Got me own now anyway


Jack (approaching) Take it from me, he’s just being-


Jill -his usual self


Jake I just wish he’d be himself elsewhere


Jack Pain isn’t he


Jake I tend to think so


Jill We have some seeds from last year-


Jack -onions-


Jill -cabbage-


Jack -beetroot-


Jill -and stuff. You could have some if you like


Jake Ta very much, you are very kind, one day I will return the favour


Jill Don’t be silly


Jack Yes, we have plenty


Jill Our seed is your seed


Jack Seeds R Us


Jake Can I ask a personal question?


Jack & Jill (together) Yes of course


Jake Do you ever go home?


Felicity (approaching) Couldn’t help over hearing your earlier conversation re: carpet, etc


Jack & Jill (together) We’ll be off then.


Jack Let’s go ask Plot 13 why he’s digging such a deep hole


Jill Yes let’s


Felicity Don’t go on my account. Anyway, you shouldn’t really have the carpet, nor grow sweetcorn or sunflowers as our friend says


Jake He’s no friend of mine! Had any new applications recently?


Felicity Funny you should say that


Jake (feigning surprise) Oh really?


India (from distance) Daddy! Daddy! Come quickly!


Felicity Oh I say


Jake What is that?


India Pomcost!


Jake Compost!


India Pomcost!


Jake Whatever it is you just so happen to be covered in it


Felicity Oh dear. I will just add one more thing my dear


Starchild (to mobile) Well, yeah, I like to come over here (pause) Vegetables, we grow vegetables (pause) Waitrose? Grow your own, that’s the thing (pause) My dad, it’s the one thing he does do (pause) Yeah, loads of stuff. Me? I weed and stuff- Oh gross, my little bro is covered in shit!


Jake (to India) We’ll have to get you home young fella. (to Star) It’s not shit, it’s compost. And very fine compost too!


India Pom-cost is good, it’s got worms


Felicity Yes dear, lots of worms. Back to the rats


Starchild Oh it’s one of his weird friends.


Felicity I’m not his friend


Jake Sorry, got to get the litt’lun home Felicity. and end that phone call Star please


Starchild Gotta go, small person emergency


Felicity (raising voice as Jake, Star and India leave) Anyway, I had two more  
applicants, Dawn Mower and Tony Trimmer, plot seven-ty three- Oh, you have plot 73


Skippy That’d be Dawn Mower asin rhymns with lawn mower and Tony Rimmer- T Rimmer, trimmer


Felicity Well, it’s just not fair