Mid-Summer Murder Mystery par de quatre

Quite a long part today. The man on plot 13 re-appears, Mrs Thingy from the council makes a mysterious appearance, Skippy irritates some more and Felicity gets duped again...


Man on plot 13 (on mobile) I’m telling you woman, I am on the allotment! I am! Please stop shouting. I am not shouting. (shouts) I am NOT SHOUTING! I am calm and I am on the allotment. Goodbye


Jake Even I think that’s a bit over the top. And that hole he’s digging is deep you know


Tom Yeah, you’d think he’d duck down in the hole if he’s gonna shout like that


Jake Bit difficult when you’re being accused of stuff and who brings their mobile to the allotment anyway?


(sound of a mobile phone in the distance - it’s the Hare Krishna chant)


Tom Jake, phone!


Jake How do you know it’s mine?


Tom You are the only person I know who would have that for a ring tone 


Jake Fair cop


Tom Better answer it eh?


Jake Of course. Where the hell is it?


Tom Posibly in your bag


Jake (running) Why did I leave it over there, (breathless) it is a mobile after all


Natalie Hello, my lovely, why are you out of breath, don’t answer that. Just off to swimming, got your keys?


Jake Hang on (sounds of searching through clothes) Hang on, must be in my bag (zips opening & rummaging) Hang on, I know they’re in here somewhere-


Tom (sound of keys being jingled) Let me talk to her. Hello Nat, Tom here, just found ‘em


Natalie Thanks Tom. What would he do without us?


Jake (snatches phone back) Got ‘em!


Natalie See you in a while then. If you get back before us give the chickens some water please


Jake Okey doke


Natalie Oh and vacuum-


Jake What? Vacuum the chickens?


Natalie No, the house you joker boy. Ooh yes and start the dinner-


Jake Fine - not chicken I presume?


Natalie Don’t be ridiculous. And just for that stupid, you can take the bins out-


Jake Uh huh-


Natalie And clean the kid’s shoes-


Jake Alright


Natalie -and mine


Jake The swimming pool water is evaporating hadn’t you better go?


Natalie Bye-eee


(sound of raking and 5live. Sound of swirling wind a la the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz)


Mrs Thingy Hello!


(more 5live...)


Mrs Thingy (louder) I was wondering if I could have a word


(still more 5live...)


Mrs Thingy (shouting) Could I have a word Mr-


Jake (taking out ear phones) Ah! Sorry! Listening to the radio. Ear phones you see?


Mrs Thingy Yes, I see. I was wondering if, as you seem to be struggling with the size of this plot-


Jake (put out) Pardon?


Mrs Thingy We have sent you several letters


Jake (getting defensive) We’ve had one I think. And what is your name again, I have never quite made it out


Mrs Thingy Mrs- (motor bike passes loudly by)


Jake Pardon?


Mrs Thingy Mrs- (low flying jet) If you are struggling we could rent off half to someone else you know


Jake I’m not struggling, I’m taking my time to prepare the soil. 


Mrs Thingy You have had this plot for nearly 3 years


Jake I had an accident last January and I couldn’t dig for most of the year-


Mrs Thingy We like to see all of the plot used Mr-


Jake Well, this year it will all be dug over and about 80% will be used. But-


Mrs Thingy 80% isn’t 100%


Jake (to himself) Good with figures. (to her) I’m sorryI have told you this many times and do you actually know anything about soil? When it’s been unused like this plot has been, it takes a while to-


Mrs Thingy Yes, well it was just a thought Mr-


Jake Actually while you’re here I’d like to ask a question about erecting a-


(sound of swirling wind again)


Jake -shed. Where’d she go? How does she do that? (shudders)


Jack What did she want?


Jake (jumps with surprise) Oh my God, don’t do that! What did who want?


Jill Her from the council


Jake Oh her, witch


Jack Bit harsh


Jake She- What is her name by the way?


Jill Mrs (loud lorry passes)


Jake What?


Jack Mrs (low flying helicopter)


Jake (to himself) I’m not meant to know her name. She’s my nemesis, I shall die not knowing her name (to Jack & Jill) She said I’m not using enough of the plot


Jack They don’t know anything about using an allotment these people, they’re just pen pushers


Jake I tried to explain about the soil


Jill It’s the same with erecting sheds over here


Jack No one can give us a definitive reason


Jake That has given me the incentive to find out then


Jack Good luck!


(fade in sound of typing on a computer keyboard)


Jake (speaks as he types) I-would-really-appreciate-the-definitive-reason-for-not being-able-to-erect-buildings-on-the-Trugmore-Lane-site. (exhales) These-things-can-be-done-sensitively-in-a-way-that-blends-into the-surroundings. (typing stops) OK Mrs thingy, admin at Grint town council. Let’s see what you say to that! (typing starts again) I-look-forward-to-your-soonest-reply. (stops typing) Bosh (hits keyboard hard) off you go!


(door slams in distance)


Natalie (from distance) Hello! Are you in?


Jake (shouts) Up in the office!


Natalie (from distance) Did you do all your chores!


Jake Yes I did! Did you have a good swim?


Natalie Lovely thank you!


India (standing behind Jake) There was a floater!


Jake Oh! You made me jump!


India There was a floater


Jake A floater? You mean a float don’t you?


India No, it was a pooh


Natalie Actually it was a Lion bar


Jake (laughs) Little devils


India Not a Lion bar! A pooh!


Natalie OK, it was a pooh


India India is a girl’s name


Jake Well, it can be for a boy or a girl-


Starchild (into mobile) Yes, I’m back. Oh it was OK, some joker put a Lion bar in the pool. Yeah, it was soooooo lame


Jake How much have you got left on that phone?


Starchild (to phone) Hang on. (to Jake) I don’t know. (to phone) Yeah, my dad. Yeah-


Jake Don’t say lame. If you say lame-


Natalie We’ll talk about your tally late Star. I’ll run you a bath


Starchild OK mum. Yeah (fading as she leaves the room) you can’t choose your parents can you?


(door slams shut)


India I blame the parents (emphasis on “blame”)


(fade into raking)


India Pomcost!


Jake (stops raking. Says slowly) Com-post


India (mimics Jake) Pom-cost. Can I dig it?


Jake (sings) Yes you can!


Skippy (arriving) Kids over then?


Jake Apparently


Skippy What you doing there then?


Jake (sighs) Taking advantage of this mild weather and raking the lumps out. (to himself) Wait for it (mimics Skippy) You don’t wanna do it like that


Skippy (tuts & then blows out) Bit early for all that, bit of a waste of time, you’ll only have to do it again


Jake I don’t mind


Skippy S’pose. It’s not like you have anything else to do


Jake (sighs again) Indeed


Skippy I had most of them raspberries last year


Jake (surprised) Oh, it was you was it?


Skippy Yeah, like say, no one was around, so I took ‘em


Jake (sarcastically) Were they nice?


Skippy Yeah, lovely. Got about 12 pots of jam 


Jake That’s good then, but didn’t you notice that the potatoes were being dug up while you were taking the raspberries?


Skippy Yeah


Jake But you still took the raspberries off someone else’s plot


Skippy That carpet


Jake What?


Skippy Council say you can’t use carpet on the site


Jake (slightly perturbed) OK. Don’t change the subject


Skippy You grew sunflowers last year didn’t you?


Jake (getting irritated) Yes


Skippy Attract rats


Jake (deep breath) So does most of what we grow. Can’t be helped


Skippy And sweetcorn, that attracts rats


Jake Hang on a minute! You’ve got carpet!


Skippy They climb up the back of the sunflowers and get to the seeds from behind


Jake Stop changing the subject. This year, please leave the raspberries where they are or until I have taken what I want at the very least


Skippy (walking away) Got me own now anyway


Jack (approaching) Take it from me, he’s just being-


Jill -his usual self


Jake I just wish he’d be himself elsewhere


Jack Pain isn’t he


Jake I tend to think so


Jill We have some seeds from last year-


Jack -onions-


Jill -cabbage-


Jack -beetroot-


Jill -and stuff. You could have some if you like


Jake Ta very much, you are very kind, one day I will return the favour


Jill Don’t be silly


Jack Yes, we have plenty


Jill Our seed is your seed


Jack Seeds R Us


Jake Can I ask a personal question?


Jack & Jill (together) Yes of course


Jake Do you ever go home?


Felicity (approaching) Couldn’t help over hearing your earlier conversation re: carpet, etc


Jack & Jill (together) We’ll be off then.


Jack Let’s go ask Plot 13 why he’s digging such a deep hole


Jill Yes let’s


Felicity Don’t go on my account. Anyway, you shouldn’t really have the carpet, nor grow sweetcorn or sunflowers as our friend says


Jake He’s no friend of mine! Had any new applications recently?


Felicity Funny you should say that


Jake (feigning surprise) Oh really?


India (from distance) Daddy! Daddy! Come quickly!


Felicity Oh I say


Jake What is that?


India Pomcost!


Jake Compost!


India Pomcost!


Jake Whatever it is you just so happen to be covered in it


Felicity Oh dear. I will just add one more thing my dear


Starchild (to mobile) Well, yeah, I like to come over here (pause) Vegetables, we grow vegetables (pause) Waitrose? Grow your own, that’s the thing (pause) My dad, it’s the one thing he does do (pause) Yeah, loads of stuff. Me? I weed and stuff- Oh gross, my little bro is covered in shit!


Jake (to India) We’ll have to get you home young fella. (to Star) It’s not shit, it’s compost. And very fine compost too!


India Pom-cost is good, it’s got worms


Felicity Yes dear, lots of worms. Back to the rats


Starchild Oh it’s one of his weird friends.


Felicity I’m not his friend


Jake Sorry, got to get the litt’lun home Felicity. and end that phone call Star please


Starchild Gotta go, small person emergency


Felicity (raising voice as Jake, Star and India leave) Anyway, I had two more  
applicants, Dawn Mower and Tony Trimmer, plot seven-ty three- Oh, you have plot 73


Skippy That’d be Dawn Mower asin rhymns with lawn mower and Tony Rimmer- T Rimmer, trimmer


Felicity Well, it’s just not fair

A good dry day in the garden

An excellent day spent weeding, pruning, leaf blowing and general tidying at Pat's place.


Funny how I feel I should write something here no matter what, it's only a mere 6 weeks ago I started this particular blog and I think I might actually be into it at last. 


(Oh dear new Radiohead on R4, never been too sure about them) 


Anyhow, Libya, New Zealand and the wedding, rate them in the order of importance. Mmmmmmmmm


Happy musing...

Mid-Summer Murder Mystery Pt 3

We now meet Jake's family at home and "The Dog Owner..."

(Fade. Fade in door shutting)


Jake (mock American) Hi honey! I’m home! (takes gardening clothes off and runs water to wash hands)


Natalie (from distance) Did you get it finished?


Jake (washing hands) Yes nearly. One more smallish area to dig and we’ll be in business for starting planting up in a few weeks


Natalie (closer) Good. You’ve got a letter from EC2


Jake Ah! A job offer no doubt


Natalie Yes. 50 grand, plus car and a 3 day working week


Jake Give us a kiss


Natalie Do I have to?


Jake (opening letter) Please yourself (reads, sighs) Listen to this, “Dear Mr Blah, Thank you for applying for the above job role. As I’m sure you can 
appreciate, we had many applicants for this role, indeed over 60 applied. Of those, 15 have been added to our short list” - short list? 15? - “You were very nearly one of those successful applicants, but I’m afraid you have not been so as those who have been added are more so.”


If I ever get another job I shall write to this - Mrs Drivel - and ask her to explain what the naffing hell that means and tell her to shove her letter and the role- Listen to this, “However, you will no doubt be pleased to note that we have indeed kept your CV and contact details on file for future reference should a suitable other role be suitably made available.”


Natalie Sounds like you’re well out of that one. At least you got a reply though?


Jake I guess. These HR people could at least learn how to construct a 
sentence that actually makes sense. “However, you will no doubt be pleased to note...” I mean, what is there to be pleased about for-


India Daddy, daddy, daddy!


Jake Hello little fella. Had a good afternoon at Play Group?


India Yes. One of the other boys got a snail stuck up his nose


Jake A snail? Stuck up his nose?


Natalie A little one


Jake Ah


India Yes, a little one. He pushed it up there and then tried to blow it out


Natalie But sniffed instead


India By mistake, it was an astident


Starchild (walking into the kitchen) No never! I could have sworn it would have like been the other one (opens fridge door) You know, the one with the pierced 
nipple (pours a drink) Yes she has! She did it with a needle she found in her mum’s like drawer or something (shuts fridge door) It went septic- Oh, hi dad!


Jake Please, don’t distract yourself


Starchild (walking away) Whatever! Yes it did, and her breast went like totally 
purple


Natalie Kids today eh? We’d have been content with talking about Scooby Doo, skipping or David Cassidy, but today’s kids-


Jake Septic nipples - sounds like a punk band - and purple tits


India I blame the parents


(fade in newspaper page being turned and the sound of food being served up)


Jake (shouts) Starchild! Star!


Starchild (from distance, irritated) Yeah what?


Jake Tea!


Starchild OK, coming!


Jake Yeah what? I mean, yeah what?


India It’s bad isn’t it daddy? It’s not like she isn’t intellicant


Jake How old is our son again?


Natalie Four. He’s four


Jake Are you sure you didn’t carry him for 12 years in there, while reading the entire Oxford English?


Natalie He’s just a tad more intelligent than most kids of his age


Jake A tad? (shouts) Starchild will you get-


Starchild No need to shout, I’m here


Jake Oh sorry


Starchild (on mobile) Yeah, that was my dad. Yeah, like lame


Jake Lame? Lame? Anyway a tad more intelligent? He’s reading the Guardian, and understanding it!


Starchild Like no way!


Jake Who is that?


Starchild Doopnah


Jake (takes Star’s phone) Hello Diphthong, Starchild’s lame dad here, she’s 
eating, with her family. She’ll like call you after. Like bye!


Starchild How could you? And her name’s Doopnah, how difficult is that? And that was kind of racist too, getting her name wrong


Jake Easy


Starchild Anyway, that’s private property. That’s my property


Jake That we like bought for you and, oh yes, we top-up every other day it seems like, like! And sorry if I got your friend's name wrong, like


Natalie Ommmmmmmmmmmm-


India Daddy, I think mummy is about to explode


Jake She’s ommmmmming


Starchild I mean, well, it’s just so-


Jake Unfair? Life will do that to you quite frequently Starchild


Starchild And why did you name me that anyway?


Jake You know I did, it’s in deference to better times, when life was that much easier and-


Starchild It’s just so-


Jake Lame?


Natalie Ommmmmmmm


Starchild Can I eat in my room?


Natalie Noooooooo... Ommmmmmmmmm


India This family is officially discombobulated


Starchild It’s so unfair


Jake India, do you mean dysfunctional?


Natalie Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


Jake -you’re probably correct. Not eating love?


India No I mean discombobulated. It means-


Starchild I mean I was like speaking to Doopnah, her name is Doopnah, not Diphthong


India This song? What song?


Starchild Doopnah! Doopnah!


Jake Stick it up your jumper. Look, I have apologised


India And who called me India, Frankie Junior says India is a girl's name


Natalie Can we all make the effort to eat quietly? PLEASE?


Jake I named you son. I love India, the place and I love you.
(silence for a while) Silence is golden, but my eyes still see. What do you think that means exactly? But my eyes still see?


Starchild More rubbish lyrics from the lame 1960s


Jake Well, like, Ella, ella, ella, ella


Starchild You always do that


Jake Ella, schmella. 


Natalie They don’t write them like they used to? Jake, after 30 years together I’m still not sure about your sanity you know


Starchild Yeah, squeeze my lemon ‘til the juice runs down my leg


Jake Class lyric from a man at the height of his powers, magnificent Robert Plant


Natalie Ya think?


India It says in the Guardian that David Cameron has had an arsehole 
transplant. I didn’t know you could do that. (pause) 


Natalie (reading over India’s shoulder) Hang on- Ah, the arsehole rejected him!


(fade in walking and the occasional car driving passed at speed)


Jake 30! 30 miles an hour you moron!


(dog barks in the distance)


Jake And you can shut up too! Oh here we go, the devil incarnate-


(dog right behind Jake, loud snarls & growls)


Woman owner Jake! Jake! Stop that!


Jake Stop what? Your dog is humping me!


Owner What are you talking about?


Jake Your dog is having sex with my right leg. Get him off please


Owner Jake! Stop it!


Jake (exasperated) I’m not doing anything. Ouch!


(dog yelps)


Owner You just kicked him


Jake He’s having carnal knowledge of my leg AND he just bit me, hard- 


Owner Jake, come here. You wait ‘til I get you home!


Jake Why would I want to come home with you?


Owner The dog not you, what are you on about? Jake heel boy, heel!


Jake (incredulous) Heel? Heel boy? (clicking sound) Oh, the dog’s called Jake!


Owner Yes!


Jake (laughs) You see, I’m Jake too (laughs)


Owner Ah yes, I know you, you’re one of the busy bodies from the allotment aren’t you?


Jake (taken aback) Guilty as charged , I do have an allotment. Don’t know about being a busy body


Owner Well, I’m warning you anyway. We’ll walk our dogs on the common land whenever we want


Jake Fine, if you stick to the common land, just stop your animals from 
defecating and urinating on our vegetables


Owner Well, if you want to know, we’ve every right to go on the common land.


Jake (to himself) Am I not agreeing with her? (to the owner) Yes, I know that. It’s just that when your dog goes on the allotments, quite literally, goes on, that’s when it becomes a problem.


Owner We pick it up


Jake Not the point really. Dogs pee as well as poo and you can’t really do 
anything about the pee. It’s unsanitary


Tom (joining them) Ah, hello, couldn’t help but over hear the word sanitary. There is a clause in our constitution-


Owner A sanitary clause?


Jake & Tom (together) There’s no such thing as a Sanitary Clause!


(fade)

The weekend seemed as if it would go on forever...

...ordinarily, a fine idea, but this weekend included about 10 trips back and forth across many a rain swept hill and dale between Berkhamsted and Tring carting my lovely in-laws belongings from a 2nd storey flat (no lift) and a bungalow. (I nearly typed bingalow then, a name far better suited to such a small dwelling!)


The in-laws bingalow (for that is what it shall be called now) is actually rather lovely. They have a 24 hour warden on call - father-in-law is 80 and, although not entirely infirm (far from it really) it is a comfort to know there is someone on call. There is a little yard at the back that overlooks the church and a pub not 100 yards away, a big plus for himself, once he gets his pub-legs back that is.


So much of the "stuff" we carted from one lovely Hertfordshire town to other was unnecessary that I reckon we could have done it in a couple of goes if they had been brutal. I did take a large load to the tip this morning in my trusty old Volvo - The Belgrano I call it, in honour of the those poor bastards Thachet torpedoed all those years ago (and no that is not a misspelling of Thatcher!) The Volvo, "Belgrano", is big and battleship grey, de ahí el nombre.


The back is very very sore, but I did do a lot of digging last week so a combination of the two has taken it's toll. You see I have an old injury to the base of my spine. Three vertebrae were damaged when I was 8, when I was run down by a Jaguar driven by one of my classmate's dads. My father told him if he didn't want me to come round after school any more he only had to say and that running me over was a bit extreme. This is a true story and I swear me dad actually said those words. The upshot is that if I turn too abruptly a cartilage "pops" out from in between a couple of the said vertebrae and it smarts. Since I have been gardening full time though, the back has been - touch wood - fine. Just very achy at times. It's lucky it is getting stronger 'cos the chiropractor is getting ridiculously expensive.


I digress, the weekend. The in-laws are in their nice bingalow and we are at home with a nice bottle of Spanish red settling in to watch South Riding, followed with a good portion of Being Human. Sometimes hard work prepares you for the beautiful things in life and sometimes those beautiful things include the BBC. God bless her and all who prevail in her...


Happy tweaking!

Mid-Summer Murder Mystery Part Deux

Yes it's Part Deux of the triffic story of every day life on an allotment in the lovely market town of Grint in Hertfordshire - Grint is an anagram by the way. Today we meet Felicity and erstwhile "lovely" clone couple, Jack and Jill.


Enjoy: 


(Fade in digging, heavy breathing, lots of effort)


Jake Phew! Job jobbed!


Tom (from a distance) Hello young Mr Jake


Jake (relaxing, let’s out a big exhalation of breath)
Hello Mr Tom. How are we today? 


Tom (with Jake) Fine sir. Cuppa?


Jake Why not?


Tom Mr Skippy’s been delving in skips again I see


Jake (sipping tea) Yep, he is a veritable magpie of vast resource and incredible versatility


Tom Cheap skate you mean (sips from tea) How’s that thumb of yours?


Jake Oh (reticent) fine. Weird how it’s now about 25% bigger than the other one

Tom Flatter you mean (both laugh) You never really explained how you did it


Jake Didn’t I?


Tom No, not really


Jake Well I was putting in a new fence post-


Tom Yeah


Jake - and well I only had- Oh look here comes Jack and Jill, up the hill (pause) without a pail of water


Tom Saved by the nursery rhyme. I will find out the truth about that thumb of yours one day Mr Jake. Hello Jack, hello Jill!


Jack and Jill (together, they’re both quite excited) Hello you two. (to Skippy) Hello There!


Skippy (from distance) Hello back there


Jack The people on plot 13 are at it again


Jill Yes did you see them yesterday


Jake (under his breath) Oh-my-god


Jack Yes, they were at it hammer and tong they were


Jake Some people show their affection in strange ways. I myself allow my wife to beat senseless on my return to the family home


Jill No listen Jake. Go on Jack


Tom Yes go on Jack


Jack Well,  I have a theory. You see if you’re unemployed, you can get a bit fraught at times


Jill Clever!


Jake Why?


Tom And why is that clever?


Jack Because the unemployed, are unemployed-


Jill -and don’t have a lot to do-


Jack -so they lose it a bit, cos they get frustrated


Jake Errr, where is this going?


Jack There you see, I told you he’d get it


Jake Get what?


Jill Oh, I don’t know, I think he's struggling with this one


Tom Jake is unemployed at the moment Jack.


Jack Yeah, but the bloke on number 13 has always had a bit of anger 
management problem hasn’t he? And he’s unemployed


Jill He has Jack, remember that time he broke up all his bean supports? And he’s digging a really big hole too.


Jake (sighs) Perhaps he’s going to bury his wife there


Jack Well, you never know


Tom (moving away) Oh please and I wish I could understand what you’re talking about (fading away) or maybe not


Felicity (coming close as she speaks) Everyone! Everyone! I’m so pleased we’re all here!


Jake (under his breath, to himself) What have I done to deserve this? Tweedle Dee and Dum, Skippy and now Felicity the Gardener’s Question Time stalker


Felicity Hello one and all! I have splendid news 


Jake Why’s that Fliss (Tom returning and sniggers with Jack and Jill)


Felicity I’ll ignore that Jake as you know I don’t appreciate nick names


Jake OK, fair enough


Tom I can’t bear the tension. The Trugmore Lane Allotment Society is all of baited breath Felicity?


Felicity (proudly) We have two new members (rustles paper).  A Mr William Burrough and Colm Post have taken Plot 111. How do you 
pronounce (spells) C-O-L-M Post?


Tom (laughing, as are Jack & Jill) I think you’ll find you’re meant to pronounce it Compost - the name is Irish and it’s Collum, but I reckon you’ve been duped (sniffs) again.


Felicity (indignant) Well what about William Burrough?


Jack (all laughing quite loudly now) Do you think he might be known as Will Burrough, as in-


Jill Wheel Barrow? And there’s only 80 plots here, so how could they have plot 111?


Felicity (even more indignant) Well, who would do such a thing? How- How-


Tom (still laughing) Childish?


Felicity Yes how childish. Who would do such a thing?


Jake (indignant too) Don’t look at me! As if I could be bothered to make that much effort


Felicity Well, I mean- Well! (turns on her heel and from distance) I shall be off then, I only came over to tell you what I thought was good news-


Jake Shame her house over looks the allotments. She checks us out all the time you know. The curtains twitch without her even touching them. All she has to do is stare and they twitch


Skippy (from a distance) I sometimes wonder at the sanity over here


Jake Is there a clause in the rules and regulations of the Trugmore Lane Allotment Society that confirms one’s sanity?


Skippy (from distance) What? The sanity clause?


Jake & Tom (together) But there’s no such thing as Sanity Clause


Jake God bless the Marx Brothers!


(Fade. Fade in door shutting)

The driveway - which is long enough

Two main beds on the main lawn

The pond with the rockery

The pond

The other side of the house - children's play area

The border at the top of the drive - first thing
I did

I think I am going to have a lovely time working with this beautiful garden - luckily I do not have to cut the grass!