Mis-Summer Murder Mystery - The End

Quick re-cap, the allotmanteers are waiting to go over to the allotments after midnight and have been stopped in their tracks by a police car...


Tom Someone look to see what’s happening


Jake You do it


Tom Why me?


Jake This was your idea


Felicity (whispers) I’ll look (pause) Oh they’re looking straight at me


Jake (hisses) Get down


Felicity They can’t see me, too dark


Jack What are they doing? 


(sound of engine starting up)


Felicity Oh!


Jill What?


Felicity They kissed


Jack Male and female I hope


Felicity No


Jake (shocked) Two men?


Felicity NO!


Tom Shhhh. 


Jake (incredulous) Two women?


Felicity I think so


Tom How could you tell?


Felicity Light on in car. (obviously stunned) I say, never seen THAT before


Jake This whole thing is getting more and more ridiculous as time goes on


Jack (sniggers) Hole thing! Get it, hole-thing


Jill Clever wordplay dear


Jack Thanks


Tom Come on this is it, over  the top!


Felicity Take a spade each boys. Jill and I will stand guard, we can’t all fit on the bean patch


(fade. Sound of digging, obviously multiple digging)


Jake How will we know how deep to go?


Tom It was about 2 foot


Jake (stops digging) Two foot!


Jack Shh


Jake But two foot. A bean trench is usually 9 or 12 inches


Tom Exactly!


Jack Shh


(sounds of digging again)


Jake We have to be careful with these plants remember


Tom Why, there’s a body here, it won’t matter


Jake There isn’t a body here


Jack You two be quiet


Tom Aha!


Jake & Jack What?


Tom Torch please


Jake Careful with that (torch clicks on) Paper, peelings, classic bean trench


Tom Decoy


Jake Oh give me strength, If we stop now, we can save the bean plants we’ve dug up and it won’t look too bad tomorrow morning


(fade. Fade in digging again)


Tom Oops. I think we boobed.


Jake You boobed


Tom You’re here too!


Jack Calm down


Felicity What is it?


Jake Guess what?


Jill What?


Jake Nothing but bean plants, paper, veggie peelings and compost


Felicity Oh dear


Jake Oh dear indeed. We’ve got to get this bed back to something like


Jack Something Like?


Jake Something like it was


Tom But the bean plants are pretty much all destroyed


Jake Felicity, Jill, go get about 40 bean plants from our plots


Jack But we don’t know what kind of beans he was growing


Jake So we just leave the poor sod with nothing but a decimated bean patch then eh?


Jill We’re off. Oh Jake


Jake (blows out) Yes


Jill Where exactly are your beans?


(fade. Fade up to sound of door shutting)


Natalie (waking) Jake? What time is it?


Jake Don’t ask


Natalie Jake, it’s nearly four o’clock. What the hell have you been doing?


Jake Oh, please, can we go to bed?


Natalie Not like that, you’re filthy, go have a shower


(fade. Fade up Jake getting into bed)


Natalie Tell me what happened


Jake (heavy sigh) Can’t it wait ‘til the morning?


Natalie No


Jake Well, I tried digging up the bean patch carefully and the others just dragged out the plants and ruined them.


Natalie So when you found no body buried there, you had to replace his plants


Jake (sighs again) You watched us didn’t you


Natalie I think I might have better things to do with my life, my love. Do you think he’ll know what you’ve done?


Jake I can’t even imagine what it looks like. Put it this way, if he doesn’t notice it would be like Shelock Holmes saying to Watson at the Baskervilles place, “That poodle, do you think it’s responsible for the killings?” 


(fade. Fade in frantic knocking on a door)


Natalie Ok, ok, I’m coming (door opens) Hello Tom, what’s up, the hound been at it again?


Tom What?


Natalie Sorry, private joke


Tom Is Jake around?


Natalie No, it’s signing on day. Has Plot 13 discovered his beans?


Tom (embarassed) He told you?


Natalie Of course


Tom No, thing is, we replaced his runner beans with broad beans, french beans, haricot beans and every bloody bean but the right ones


Natalie Well, just ignore it. He’s not going to complain is he?


Tom It’s just ridiculous isn’t it?


Natalie But the only sensible thing- Ha! Sensible, did I just say sensible? Anyway, the only sensible thing to do is ignore it. Actually it might be quite funny to watch his reaction


(fade. Fade up sound of raking)


Felicity Afternoon Jake


Jake Hello. Hello you two


Jack & Jill Hi!


Tom (bringing up the rear, miserable) Hello


Felicity Has he said anything?


Jake He keeps scratching his head, looking round kind of bemused


Tom Course he is


Jack Oh look, Skippy is talking to him


Felicity He’s looking at us, quick get on with stuff


Jake Stuff?


Felicity Just look busy


Jake Oh yeah, everyone do stuff on my plot eh? That’s not dodgy is it?


(fade. Fade in Skippy walking up to the others)


Skippy Ron says his bean patch has been vandalised


Felicity No!


Skippy Yes- Actually why are you all on his plot? You having a dig in?


Jake What? How do you know his name is Ron?


Skippy Used to work with him. He was made redundant last year and-


Jill What did he say about the vandalism?


Skippy Not much, he just said it was weird ‘cos his beans have been replaced with different types of beans.


Jake That’s a bit weird


Felicity Yes


Jack Totally


Tom Peculiar and- Oh look, there’s his wife chaps...

Just a quickie for now...

I feel a bit neglectful, but I guess it's good 'cos I'm dead busy at the moment, so here's a picture of a lovely Daphne - taken Monday:

I knew a Daphne once, but that's an entirely different story!


And here's a picture of a lovely lawn, freshly mowed, Monday too:

Oh happy, happy, indeed...

Got me arse in gear and...

...even got some digging done over on the allotment (that'll get to the council spies!) Digging is so good for you isn't it? Gets the blood rolling and the heart a-pumpin' - should be other way round really - and makes one feel like one has actually put in a good shift. The back feels it of course, but then the back will feel any kind of activity that includes lifting, bending and stretching. 


So much couch grass, why is there so much couch grass? You dig it up, you pull out the roots and yet there it is again, bastard stuff. You'd think some government would have banned it over the years, but oh no, they have more important things to do like... well, selling guns to the Arabs - bastards!


Got the new hedge in too:

This is where I get impatient and can't just let mother nature take her lovely course. I want it to grow, grow, grow and show me I planted it right and fed it right and... Well, patience is a virtue, but I have never been that virtuous a human being.


Happy growing!

Ah! The pond... Ah! The rockery...

Spent about 16 hours tidying up and weeding this area - it's such a beautiful area, I didn't even notice. This is just not like work...

It's about 10% of the garden - and it's the best bit
of a lovely place!

I have this theory and my theory is this, ahem, here is my theory; it is this and it is my theory; this is most definitely a theory and it is my theory:

A GARDEN IS FOR RELAXING IN...

...and this one is a great experience. I wish to state that I am rather enamoured of this place!

Happy...

PS: I look a bit miserable in the picture above, but I think I can state, without fear of contradiction, I was not and am not, AND I'm going to see The Monkees in May, GET IN THERE!

Ramping up...

I want to say something outlandish but will only say "Gosh! I'm getting busy."

It's a good busy, unlike the soul destroying nonsense of the computer induced busy of the old days at Argos. I know I can say to my clients, "I can't quite finish that today" and they will be laid back about it. Thing is all my clients are so nice, I have always got things done by the time I said I would - I have a real sense of loyalty from them and they get it back in spades or forks - quite literally...

This week I have just about finished tidying one of my bigger gardens and got to round about 20% of another. The one in the picture is from the latter garden. I will take some of the second big garden tomorrow. It's the one with the pond and giant rockery and I couldn't be enjoying what I'm doing more. Mind you Radio 4 really helps me get through the day too.

The herb garden at Pat's - cleared out last Autumn
and we will re-stock in the coming weeks.

This bed at Pat's is my favourite, it's full of some lovely shrubs and perennials and looks brilliant in the Summer

These two are a couple of my mates. The blackbird came within a couple of yards of me last week and the robin was literally on my toe the week before.

Happy Gardening one and all!

Democracy gives you...

...Gideon. 

That really depresses me. I've never really been that much on the side of democracy. It always sounds good doesn't it? But what does democracy actually give to the working individual?


The things I cherish in the UK are the Welfare State and the NHS, a concept that Americans seem to think are alien to democracy. So we make contingencies to look after the have nots. Is that such a bad thing? We cope with the fact that a few people may take advantage of that thing that is called the "system" - perhaps 500,000 "scroungers" - is that such a bad thing if all those that actually are genuine are looked after? 


Maybe democracy over here means a different thing to what it means over there. But, then again what democracy here means must differ wildly to it's meaning in Egypt, Tunisia, Bahrain, Iran, UAE, Libya et al. What is it they want? Freedom from oppressive regimes, to be able to demonstrate without the threat of being bludgeoned to death or shot or taken away to be raped, tortured or to have one's children subjected to these things.


I have friends who are communists; I have friends who are socialists; I have friends who are liberals, I have friends who are humanists and I have friends who, like me, are anarchists, but personally my own personal sham(e) of voting is all "voted out". 20 years ago if I was to vote with my heart it would have been Labour, but Labour doesn't mean what it did. I look at Bob Crow and I see a "good geezer" and I want him to shut down the country; close the ports, close the railways, it's all we have left. I would have no problem seeing the country "held to ransom" by the unions again, but the Daily Mail curtain twitchers would get all outraged... 


Petrol prices are about to truly go through the roof. Will the lovely people from the Road Haulage Association be out on the highways and byways shutting down the road system this time? No, 'cos the people they bank roll are in power now and they'd look really stupid wouldn't they? 


So democracy, not sure what it is, but I think the people of Libya would be better off with it, whatever form of it they decide on. And that's the point, it's what the people of Libya want that matters, NOT the oil-dependant mealy mouthed West.


Peace innit...

Mid-Summer Murder Mystery Pt 9

I've jumped to the last two parts as I think it's gonna take too long to get there!
So here we go...




Natalie So, let me hear this again. You’re going to dig up plot 13 ‘cos the Trugmore Lane Allotment Society think there’s a body under the beans?


Jake Yes


Natalie Why you?


Jake Because (pause) They claim they haven’t seen his wife in days, Jill says weeks actually. And he has not been shouting at her on his phone too


Natalie That, doesn’t answer, why you?


Jake I don’t know. Just to stop them going on and on at me


Natalie That, is no excuse. It’s bloody madness, going out after midnight, blacked up wearing a freaking balaclava. You look like the Milk Tray man for pity’s sake


Jake Do I?


Natalie Stop it!


Jake Look I know it’s ridiculous, but we’ll get it done in no time with five of us


Natalie (exasperated) You shouldn’t even be contemplating it, let alone actually be on the verge of doing it


Jake Gotta go. Be back soon, shan’t kiss you, you’ll get covered in camouflage


Natalie (as door shuts quietly) 30 years, 30 bloody of years of this, I deserve time off for good behaviour


(we hear Jake walking slowly along the road. A car goes passed)


Jake Shit! Phew, why am I doing this again? Natalie is right, this is so stupid as to be beyond stupid. More stupid than the most stupid man in Stupidland


Tom Hey! How you doing Milk Tray man


Jake (obviously scared out of his mind) Sweet Jeepers Creepers, you trying to kill me? Don’t do that!


Tom Oops, a bit jumpy


Jake No! (pause) Yeah, look I’m going home, this is so dumb. I have no idea why I agreed to do this


Tom Because you are community minded and it’s-


Jake Community?


Tom (changing subject & sounds enthusiastic) Hey there Jack, Jill!


Jack Hello-


Jill Exciting isn’t it?


Jake No


Tom Ignore him


Jack Come on, Felicity will be waiting


Jill It’s like being in a film


Jack The Magnificent Seven


Jake (irritated) There’s only five of us


Jill No, Ocean’s 12


Jake (louder) There’s only five of us


Tom Shhhhhhh, we need to be quiet, ruthless, straight in, dig, check out the hole, fill it in, sraight out again. Simple!


Jack Five in a Hole (Jack & Jill laugh)


Jake At least you got the number right this time, but there’s no such film or book even


Tom Look, there’s Felicity, very fecthing in her camouflage gear


Jake Not too late to turn back


Jack Pardon?


Jake Nothing


Felicity (whispering) Is this where we synchronise watches


Jake What for? We’re going over there together


Felicity Of course, silly me. This feels like a film or a Secret Seven adventure


Jake Enid Blyton again. There’s only five of us Felicity


Felicity (laughs nervously) Yes, silly me


Jill Did you leave the spades where we agreed Tom?


Tom Check!


Jake Too loud


Tom Sorry, but there’s not gonna be anyone around, not in this town at this time and when was the last time you saw a cop car round here?


Jake Now, duck


(sound of a car driving passed slowly)


Felicity Oh my


Tom & Jake Shh...


Jill (giggles) Exciting


Tom Praise be to the council and this hedge


Jack What if they stop; what do we say?


Jill Trick or treat?


(fade)